This is such a personal journey for each and every person who choses weight loss surgery. I find that like everyone else this is not my first time at the rodeo, so to speak, when it comes to losing weight and trying to be healthy. We all have our demons and those who say they support us and want the best for us. But when the sun sets and it comes down to it the only person who can do this is looking right back at me in the mirror. Since I know this is such a personal journey, I have decided that the best way for me to deal with this is to reach out to those people like me, on this website (as my dog is getting tired of me talking to him and the cat just ignores me!). Let me explain who I am and why I am here....

I am the youngest of three children, the baby and the only girl. Now most people would say wow you are the spoiled one, that I got away with everything and that I could do no wrong. This is the furthest from the truth in my case. I came from a loving family, and a mother who was home and when it comes down to it I had a great childhood. I never wanted for anything, I never knew what it was like to go without, and this included food. In defense of my mother, she never had to worry about her weight as she was blessed with that metabolism that allowed her to eat anything. Until I came along, she was cooking and feeding a family of all men, which meant the more food the better. We were all active and played sports and I was no exception. I played softball, soccer, volleyball and spent the summers swimming and even swam on the country clubs swim team. But to this day I hear that I don't eat enough. Really!! Let's see I got to this size by eating broccoli, uh I think not. There was an endless supply of twinkies (and yes I will miss them) pepsi by the case (and in bottles my weakness), chips and candy and we were never denied. Now, I am not blaming my mother, she just didn't realize nor did I. She sent me off to fat camp when I was 9 because I was in "husky" clothes (and the person who classified clothes as husky should be shot!), she had me checked out by physicians for "gland problems", who told her I was very healthy and if i lived in the islands I would be considered gorgeous and sought after by men (well we weren't moving and this devestated my mother I think more than me). From that point forward it was a tsunami of weight watchers, nutri systems and fad diets. I never had a problem with boys or men, I am everyone's friend and love to make people smile (the curse of a fat person to be accepted), in fact I was part of the in crowd in high school and college. I married had a child and the divorced and none of this was because of or in spite of my weight. So this only fueled my RA (I will explain later), I kinda wish I had I think I would have woke up long ago.

I look back and say, ok I have a great sense of who I am (I work in a level 1 trauma hospital's ER and love my job) and what is right and what needs to be corrected, I just haven't been able to correct it, until now. I never knew the why, I never really knew what got me to the massive weight of 352, and yes for me that is massive. Well the why is rather complicated, yet simple, and took me a bit to figure out. It is simple the why is because, simply because. Ok, stop laughing but that because has a very strong foundation. I am this size because I never stop eating the wrong things, because I wanted everyone else to correct my problem, because I would never get on a scale or acknowledge my weight, because I wouldn't admit nor did I see that I was overweight, this is my RA. Now let me explain that one. I used to look in the mirror and I never saw an overweight person. I know that sounds strange but I think I have a disease that has yet to be identified, a type of reverse anorexia (aka RA). You know it's an eating disorder of an obese person, just as devestating and it was fueled by not just my friends family and physicians (yes I had numerous physicians tell me I didn't need to lose weight, that I am healthy!) when deep down I knew better. I could keep going and going but I think you get the idea by now, so I am obese because, simply because.

Well, I snapped out of it, what caused me to snap out of it I don't know but I did. I have no co-morbidities I am healthy and if you looked at my medical records (with the exception of my weight) you would see an above average healthy female, so it wasnt my health. I am going to have this sleeve as I know that I cannot stay this heavy and this is my only way. If I don't my health will decline and I will become ill if not die, and I don't no I won't let that happen before I have lived a long long long life. I now have no problem saying my weight to those I trust, I see a fat person in the mirror when I look now (oh and I don't like what I see!). I have researched this surgery until I feel like there is no way I can fail. I have researched my physician and hospital and have confidence in his abilities and the capabilities of the hospital. I just now have to get my insurance and my life in place to succeed. First, I have to finish a year (only 6 mos more to go) of nutritional visits with my primary physician before my insurance will approve my surgery. I will finish this 12 mos requirement in July. I thought that this process would take forever, but I do not see that being the case, the first half has flown and now I am on the downhill slide.

I will use this blog to express my feelings and just get it off my chest, I am not sure if anyone will read it, or if you are reading this then I hope if nothing else it lets you know you are not alone in this battle. Until next time