It feels like it's been ages since I last updated. Some of this stuff is boring, aka talking about clothes shopping/dropping pant sizes, and also there is some talk about depression.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

These past two weeks have been rough. Not because of my sleeve, just life in general. When I visited my surgeon's partner last month, I mentioned feeling depressed. He just said it was because I relied on food as an emotional crutch, but pre-op I would never eat when I was depressed. I haven't been depressed since my junior year of high school. I was a stress eater, and I ate when I was really happy/excited or as rewards.

It's just gotten worse since I've seen him . I'm terribly depressed. I'm really burnt out of school. I'm having A LOT of sleeping issues. I'm talking like, not being able to sleep until 6am, having to wake up for class at 8:30am and go all day until 4pm. There have been days where I'm so tired from lack of sleep, I just don't go to class for an entire day and it's affecting my grades. There are days where I wake up and think "I can't do this today" so I don't. I lack motivation for anything except going to the gym when I have enough sleep. I cry sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning. It's usually because I'm sad, or I'm so upset that I can't sleep and I know how awful my day is going to be because I can't get to bed on time. I feel trapped at school, despite being so happy with my major. I feel a little lonely even, which rarely happens because I enjoy being alone to wind down, and I have plenty of friends. It's just this cycle I'm trapped in that makes me so unhappy. I'm unhappy.

This feeling of unhappiness led me to sort of running away from college for 4 days. I talked to my instructor on Wednesday for my Thursday class and let her know I was having sleep issues. She said she completely understood, and let me miss class. Cue me leaving Wednesday afternoon, not even saying a word to my roommates, and spending Wed night, Thurs, Fri, Sat and today at home. I needed to escape, to get out of my toxic and entrapping environment.

I had an appointment Thursday afternoon with my GP. He gave me ambien. It didn't do diddly squat for me falling asleep. I've had sleeping problems ever since I got to college. Last semester they were manageable. I've tried Lunesta my sophomore year of college and trazodone my junior year as well. I have symptoms that mimic DSPD. For all I know, it could be DSPD. But it only seems to act up when I'm at school and in a perpetual state of stress. During the summer, when I work, I find that I'm pretty stress free and I can sleep normal hours. I actually like working more than school haha.

I'm thinking about making an appointment with psychological services at my school to help me. I've been taking St. John's wort for almost 4 weeks, 3x a day, and it hasn't really helped with these feelings or improvement of my mood. I'm also looking into switching to 5-HTP to see if that can help with my mood and sleep. I need to do something, because I can't keep living like this.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On a more positive note, I've had a wonderful time being home. It's nice seeing my puppy and playing with her, talking to my parents, even my annoying little bro. After my doctor's appointment, I went to my local Y where I took my first spin class!!!!!

Talk about difficult! I didn't have muscle fatigue in my legs, but geez my heart is in poor shape. I had to sit down during climbs and jumping because my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. MY CHEST HURT! I needed time to catch my breath and slow my heart rate down. It made me frustrated I couldn't keep going because of cardio difficulties. I wanted to really up that resistance to get some real muscle fatigue, but the higher the resistance, the harder my heart pumped

Can I just say, those little seats hurt the nether regions!!! I even had padded biking shorts on. I would rather spend the entire class climbing and jumping than sit on that seat for an hour. I could feel immense pressure and pain on my urethra and other parts. It burned to use the toilet for hours afterwards, and it hurt to sit in a chair lol. But besides the chest pains and private area pain ( AND WRIST PAIN), that was the challenge I needed! I can't wait to register for spin classes on campus. They start at the end of march, so I know what I need to work on before then for cardio conditioning. I'm excited for spin class!

Friday evening, I decided to go to the mall. I needed some retail therapy. I went to JC Penney, but didn't find much in the plus size department. I went over to Deb, where I found out I'm down almost 2 pant sizes!!!! THAT WAS AN AMAZING FEELING! Instead of buying their stuff in 3x, which is supposed to fit a 24 (I actually think they're stuff is a little snug seeing as how I couldn't wear some of their 3x at a 22). I bought a dress in a 2x and a pair of blue jeans in a 20! I also picked up some belts in a 1x as well as a top in a 3x because it was really short. I walked over to Forever 21, and I nearly screamed in the dressing room jumping up and down. I picked up jeans in a 18 just to see if they would fit, and HOLY COW, THEY FIT!!!!!!!!

Ever since F21 introduced their plus size line, I've always worn a 3x, and even then a lot of their shirts didn't fit right. But I bought ALL of my stuff in a 2x! I bought 2 dresses, 3 pairs of denim jeans, one pair of black jeans (size 20 because they didn't have any other size besides 14/16, so I'll just use a belt as needed), 3 tops, and a pair of tights. I WENT A LITTLE CRAZY WITH SHOPPING. All these pieces however, will look fine as I lose weight, so I expect them to help me get through spring. I don't feel that bad about spending all that money because I haven't bought myself new clothes in, I don't know 8 months or more? I'm pretty much broke now, and patiently waiting for a tax return haha.

Shopping was a great feeling. It did make me feel better about my weight loss because I wasn't ecstatic about the numbers on the scale. It showed I was actually making progress. Being home, I'm in such a great mood. I'm happy and content. I'm calling it "The Eye of the Storm" for when I have to go back to class Monday, and I bet those sad feelings will creep back into my life. I also bought a new pair of leather boots that will go with my dresses nicely

Also, I'm down 3 pounds this week! That's the most I've lost since my first 2 weeks post-op. Maybe the stall is broken?? I can't believe I'll be 9-weeks post op on Monday. I'm almost down 40 pounds! That's very exciting.

Recently, I've had a little bit of pain while eating any solid foods. Sometimes even drinking muscle milk will cause me pain, but I hope it goes away soon. I've been doing well with getting all my stuff in, except for my vitamins. I skip days, but when I remember I take them.

It sucks that it's Sunday, because that means I have to drive back to school. I hope this week goes better than the last 2! I guess this sums up my long winded blog post.

xx