Just like most people, I have been plagued with weight issues my whole life - starting at a very early age, I swear I could look at food and gain weight!!! Starting with childhood, my mother was very "on top" of this "issue", and did things like making dinner for the whole family, and then serving me a "lean cuisine". I remember spending my summers with my grandparents in Florida (wonderful memories), and coming back to my parents with my mom FURIOUS at my grandmother for the weight I put on (usually between 7 and 10 lbs). I was active the whole summer (swimming, tennis, water skiing), but I also got to have ice cream EVERY NIGHT as a treat :-)! When I was in high school, I weighed a whopping 105 lbs... I was thin... but I thought I was fat because of my lifelong (so far) drama with food (and my mother). But.... I was only thin because I was active... my mother made sure of that! I was on the tennis team, I was on the dance team (despite my "Elaine" like abilities), and my mother put me through multiple "boot camps" every summer... yes I was thin... but at 16, my cholesterol was 220+.... why? Because I ate crap when away from my mother's watchful eye... I ate candy (even hid it under my bed), I ate anything that wasn't green (no salads - ever!)... we had off-campus lunch in high school - so I had Sonic, pizza, sub sandwiches, and I did dabble in drinking on the weekends with my buddies (shhh... don't tell my mother).

My mom - super skinny (even when she was pregnant with me, she only gained 15 lbs), would get up at 4:30 am to run - she was a marathon runner, aerobics dance guru, tennis player, etc etc... she had soooo much energy (still does - ugh)... she would wake me up at 6:30 (even on weekends) to "start my day". I had to mow the lawn, clean my room - basically anything but sit or sleep! Note - by little brother NEVER mowed the lawn - not once (he is super skinny - always has been - and they didn't want to make him tired for his baseball games - WHATEVER)!!

So, it is no wonder, that when I left for college (left the state no doubt), I had NO skills for eating correctly... AND I was out of my mother's watchful eye.. I didn't have to exercise.... I didn't have to be accountable for what was on the scale! As I grew, so did my friends, so there were plenty of "hand me downs" to grow into - clothes weren't an issue! Bring on the Freshman 15 (or 20)!! So, there it started - age 17 (I was very young going to college) - my downhill spiral to weight gain!

Enter early 20's - so I was "sort of thin" - I was around 140ish - size 10ish (I'm 5'3" by the way).... I had boyfriends, I entered into the job market (working for a top company) in a size 6... and BIG bows in my hair (I grew up in Dallas, what can I say?)....I went up and down in my 20's - until I was about 26.... I went on PHEN-PHEN!!! I was about 140ish and got down to 110!!! I looked HOT!!! I loved phen-phen meds - I didn't want to eat - food was disgusting to me, and I was full all the time. I ate 600 calories a day, lost alot of hair (I have really thick hair thankfully - but still!!!)... and I had more boyfriends then I knew what to do with... So I know what you are saying... phen-phen at 140? really? Well - it worked for me - and remember - I was "fat" at 105 to my mother - and now as a young adult - to me too!! 140 - 150 - OMG - FATTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! (funny to me now - I dream of 140)!

Move on to age 28 - getting married at 130 lbs - size 8ish - looked good for wedding.... then started the weight train gain!!! Fast forward 2 kids later...and in Jan 2012 - I weighed in at my highest 259.6 lbs!!!!!! Here begins the journey.... the real journey!!!

So - was my mother right to restrict my foods? Was she right to get me moving all the time? Was she right in making me feel fat (even at a size 0 - 2)? I don't know!! REALLY!!! I have gone back and forth with this question... sometimes I like to BLAME her for my weight issues - I mean it is soooo easy to, right?.... but then again, she was trying to set boundaries and keep me from being the kid people picked on, keep me from the fat kid issues, keep me healthy ... she was trying!! and I am the one that CHOSE to break the rules - right? See, it isn't so easy to decide who is to blame now is it?

I think as I write this - I am going to have to start accepting my own actions - hold myself accountable - even for what I did wayyyyy back then (I'm 43 now).... I am going to have to grow up and realize - it is all ME - and it is ME that got ME into this... and it is ME that will get me out of it!!

My blog is intended for me to self-reflect, document how I feel now that I have been sleeved, and understand who and what I am. I hope you too will find some inspiration in my documentation - but I honestly am doing this for ME (for a change)! For the first time ever, I am putting ME first (though some of my friends would laugh at that statement "It's all about me" has been a "motto" thrown around about me sometimes)... but I mean putting ME and my love/hate relationship with food, weight, and even my mother at rest - understanding my triggers, understanding who I am and want to be the rest of my life (now that I'm a grown up)!