I stepped on the scale today and it went down 3 pounds! I'm at 243. I can't recall the last time I was this weight. I've been above 250 probably since junior year of high school. I hit my highest weight ever of 275 my freshman year of college. It feels odd, but I'm glad the scale finally moved.

I can't believe I'm 43 pounds from onederland. I remember hitting 200 pounds in middle school and crying. My best childhood friend told me that she remembers me crying about it to her. I think by May I could be in onederland. IN TIME FOR GRADUATION... WHOOHOO! They say the first 6 months you lose the most. And I get to start the gym this week. My family has a membership at the Y, so at least I can get back into bike riding (which i miss like crazy) and build up some stamina before Sunday when I go back to school.

I'm really nervous about heading back to college because I go to a school where there are literally less than 20 fat students on campus. And from noticing the lack of visible fat people on campus, I've immersed myself within the body acceptance and fat acceptance movement online. I've come a long way in accepting and loving myself and reclaiming the word fat. Fat is just a word. It does not mean you are worthless or disgusting. My journey is about doing incredible physical things with my body and helping my PCOS as well as trying to prevent health issues that run in my family. I have history of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke in my family. And that's just from my mother's side. I don't know anything about my biological father's history, so my stepfather's (whom I've called dad all my life) doesn't count lol.

I go to a school that's very privileged, where the wealthy are thin, and I see first hand that thin privilege exists. Anyway, I'm nervous for college because my gym is full of thin young men and women. It's constantly packed. I've never set foot in the gym because it makes me so uncomfortable being the only fat person there. My dad says I need to say screw it, because this is about me, not them. I'm bettering myself. I just wish there was a plus size network that I could connect to at school so we could go together. Maybe my roommate will go with me since her doctor told her she needs to work out to help with her stress headaches. I just don't want to be looked at or whispered about. And I don't want to look like an idiot who doesn't know where the equipment is or how to use it because it's different than the Y. The weight area is generally full of men, and the women's studies majors have written theses about it, but I gotta scout out to equipment and weights before I use them. I know there are some women on sports teams that use it, and I want to use weights too! In the meantime I might buy myself a set of interchangeable weights besides the 5 pound weights I own now. I really want to get on board with toning and building muscle in my arms WHILE losing weight, not after losing weight.

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In other news, I'm going into my 4th week on the food stage. Which means soft foods, and I started today :] I had 3 hard boiled egg whites. I made the mistake of not chewing enough, I was too eager, and I didn't have pain per se, but this incredible full feeling bordering on discomfort as if the eggs were something hard in my stomach. I chewed more diligently after that. I also finished the rest of my pureed chicken from last night and had about 3 small meatballs. I felt guilty, but I ate a little thing that I shouldn't have. It was 90 calories and 10 carbs, and all you need to know is it had chocolate on it. It was soft so I wasn't worried about it not going down. I mean I'm even allowed to have crackers (SO DRY) at this stage. I also found out peanut butter is hard for me to get down without it feeling like a paste is slowly leaking down my throat, just sitting there not making it down, even though it's on my list of foods for the soft food stage. So maybe I'll try it again later this week. Tuna is probably going to be my go to food. I can eat a whole can no problem. I also bought light mayo. I know I should've gotten fat free, but I need to work my way down to it because I knew it was gonna taste gross. I don't notice a difference with light, so once I get used to that, I'll eventually buy fat free in a few weeks.

I'm still having issues with not drinking for a half hour after I eat. I'm forcing myself to mark the time when I stop eating, and try to wait it out. I miss drinking with meals so much. The small portions and limited list of foods I can deal with, but not drinking anything before or after is killing me. Who would've thought that out of all things, drinking with meals is what I miss most. My main issues prior to surgery were eating foods that were a matter of convenience, eating large portions without feeling satisfied, and eating foods that were really bad for you but tasted delicious. I'm waiting for the food mourning to kick in a few weeks from now when I see things with bread that I want to eat so badly, or how easy it is at college to just grab that box of pasta and boil water and eat all those carbs. Eating is going to be hassle for me with all the planning. I plan on carting sippi boxes of muscle milk light in my bags from now on

I'm wondering if my PPIs aren't strong enough because I feel hunger, and I know that can be confused with acid. When I ate dinner tonight, I was able to eat a cup, A WHOLE FREAKING CUP, of unpureed chili over the course of 20 mins without feeling sick or getting to that full point where I feel it sitting in my esophagus.

I'm scared I'm going to give myself a leak. I need to be committed to measuring my food. Only 1/2 a cup. AND THAT'S IT. I see people on here who can only manage a few table spoons, meanwhile I'm sitting here with no nausea and eating like a champ. I don't want to be a failure. WHAT IF MY SLEEVE IS TOO BIG? what if my nerves are so dulled, I can't tell that I overstuffed myself and I give myself a leak? This is why I need to measure my stuff more accurately and not eye-ball things. There could be bad consequences (besides not losing weight) because of it.

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I noticed that there aren't a lot of blog updates on this site. I thought about making a wordpress blog or something like that, but I'm too lazy. The tumblr WLS community is small, and I don't connect with many of the users. I could use my old livejournal, but I don't know about that since I use it for other things. This is kind of like a diary for me, to look back on my thoughts and issues during my journey. I get comfort (and paranoia) to know that people are reading my posts, even if it's just one person.