this is a repost from my other blogger site on google...I decided I want to use this site more. so don't be confused by the dates. original post date...12/19/2012

My dinner is cooking and my two year old is occupied so here I am. I left off making my phone call to a weight loss surgeon named Dr. Fowler. The basic run down for someone considering weight loss surgery is as follows: call doctor, attend basic information seminar, appointment with doctor, pay program fee, see psychologist, see nutritionist, see exercise specialist, get approved by insurance carrier, see nutritionist again, see the surgeon one last time, liquid diet, and then finally...SURGERY!!!

I have done all of this and then some. My appointment date is scheduled for February 01, 2013. According to the surgeon it takes two to three months to be able to schedule a surgery date from the time you see him the first time around. It has taken me a little bit longer because of some "bumps" in the road.

I had to get a sleep study done because I might have sleep apnea. I also was diagnosed with a binge eating disorder and was mandated to get help first from a psychologist. I was extremely frustrated with the bumps in my road. I am not a patient person and when I set my mind to something I basically want it now. I didn't want anything to get in my way, but I am relieved at the way things turned out. I turned out having a mild case of sleep apnea and have to use a cpap machine every night. Like everything in life, this was a change that took getting used to. I have been using it only a couple of weeks now, but can sleep through the night with it on and actually sleep through the night. My psychology appointments have proven an asset rather than a burden.

My regular sessions with my psychologist have helped with my binge eating disorder and other elements of my life. I have known for sometime now that something must be off if I keep gaining weight and fail every time I try to lose any. I tried to think of what it was because I didn't think I was a typical emotional eater. I was forced to examine my eating. What I discovered was I was an emotional eater. I didn't eat when I was sad or mad, but when things seemed out of control in my life and I couldn't do anything to change it. The feeling of helplessness. Since I was little I always believed that if I put my mind to something I could change it if I wanted to. This feeling of helplessness was quite new to me...well new meaning the past 5 years of my life.

As far as my binge eating disorder goes...well according to the book: The Weight Loss Surgery Workbook, most overweight people considering weight loss surgery suffer from binge eating. Great book by the way! I highly recommend buying it. It organizes the wealth of information. It is quite overwhelming coming into this process and receiving so much information. This book definitely helps and puts it in a nice organized pattern.

It took me awhile to accept my diagnosis. I just couldn't see past my frustration of possibly having an obstacle to my goal. After about a week, I looked at it with new eyes. If I had a problem, then I wanted to be aware of it and fix it...long term. What I discovered? I did binge eat. Let me just say that binge eating is relative. I can binge eat, but it is way less food than my husband eats, but way more than I normally eat. The more I was aware of my binge eating, the less frequently I binged. I also discovered new elements of self. I consistently found excuses to eat. Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday party. These were all excuses for myself to lose control and eat anything I wanted to. I have lived my whole life controlling what goes in my mouth. I wanted to lose control. I didn't want to have to watch what I ate. I didn't want to read food labels. I don't only control food that goes in my mouth, but I control what goes in my daughter's mouth and my husband's mouth. I control pretty much every aspect of my home life and work life. I am always in charge. I am always the responsible one, and my binge eating was my way of letting go. It was my way of being irresponsible and care free.

I still see the psychologist. She helps me with general things now. Do I have my binge eating disorder under control? I think so. Just like weight loss it is a daily struggle, but self-awareness is a great tool. I love going to the psychologist. She is someone that helps me see things from a different point of view. I used to be a self-aware, carefree, relaxed individual. I somehow got caught up in all the little things and became the person I am today. I know who I am, but I haven't been her for awhile now and hopefully this path I am on will lead me back to her...the better me.