I'm having surgery on the 19th of December.

That's 5 days away, almost 4; I never expected this range of emotions and yet I feel they are not strange or uncalled for.

I've been on the Pre-Op diet of 1000 calories, less than 40 grams of fat and at least 50 grams of protein--these numbers are becoming the law of the land. I know the calories will be amended as my medical team sees fit, but for now, it will hold its place.

I was told that my emotions have taken me unaware because of the fact that I try to project an aura of calm and readiness. Once I heard this, I realized it was true. Even though I smile at everyone, and tell those who ask "How do you feel?" the expected and unheard answer of, "I'm good", I have several emotions rolling around inside my brain. I know that if they are not addressed, not expressed that they will snowball. Before I would turn to food to stem the tide, to fill the gaps, but that can no longer be the case.

I will control my emotions; they will not control me.

I control my emotions; they do not control me.

I am anxious. I have never had major surgery before. I'm concerned about being put under for such a period of time; I have the silly fear of saying something stupid coming out of the stupor of anesthesia.

I am excited. This is a major step on the way to Me. My weight issues stem from childhood and my past, and I have decided that I will no longer allow the past to control and influence who I am, the woman I know that I am but hides beneath this armor of obesity. This surgery, this tool can be beneficial in so many ways, besides just losing weight.

I am afraid. This is a major surgery, a major step to a new lifestyle to promote my health and thus enrich my life. I've never had this chance at health, not like this. I've been overweight a vast majority of my life (since I was a toddler) so a healthier me seems like a mirage in the heat, a dance of shimmers dancing on the hot highway road, seducing your eyes to see water pooled where there is none--no water, just hot asphalt.

The idea of a healthier and smaller me seems to be just a seductive thought that cannot truly manifest itself. Though this surgery will change a part of my body, I am the one who is ultimately in control of what I eat, how I eat and why I eat. I have shirked this responsibility for so long that now I wonder if I can handle it. From what I've seen, everyone has this fear, of going back to the beginning and then some; perhaps it is a reminder of all those diets that worked for a while but the results never stayed, and the weight that came back with a vengeance and reinforcements.

This is a journey, the beginning of a new lifestyle and the maturing of Me. I am not "new," I will not give up my mistakes and begin again. My mistakes and history are my own, and I will take from them and use this new tool and opportunity to show all what I have learned--to show myself that I can finally and only be Me, and I am worth everything it took to get Me here.