Today we are going to talk about the high price of gas. Not the kind you buy at the pump, but the kind we expel from our bodies. Don't pretend like you don't fart...we all do. And, if you've had WLS, you are probably like me and have more gas now than you have EVER had in your life. I am not sure if it's the extra vitamins, the fiber, or just the fact of the surgery, but my gas and bloating has increased 1000xs. If you don't believe me, you can ask my husband...and my chiropractor (more on that later).

Now, I grew up in a home where farts weren't something that were hidden. I mean we learned to have some respect about them. Don't do it in public, or in front of company, and if you can, leave the room before you release your gas out of respect to the others in the room. We also learned that it was something that EVERYONE does. Except my sister....but I still swear she's lying through her beautiful teeth. It's not something to be ashamed of, but you still shouldn't just let one rip in the middle of a restaurant or a store. Or even worse, be one of those people who does the silent by deadly ones and then acts like it's someone else's and complains about about the smell (yes, I'm talking about you, oh hubby of mine)

After surgery, we all learn the need to expel the gas in our bodies any way we can. It helps with the healing process and we're told it's a good thing. Also, after surgery, they don't really stink so no matter how loud or silent. That is no longer the case.

After almost eight months, I have learned that no matter what, I am now a fart machine. I can no longer hold then like I could before surgery. Hell, sometimes I don't even know they are looking for a way out until POOF....and there I stand or sit looking just as shocked as everyone else. I fart in public, even when I try so hard not to. I fart in my sleep. I fart in the morning, afternoon, and evening. And, to make it worse, I no longer have those no smell farts. Nope, now I have the ones that should be bottled and sold to the US military as a gas agent. It's worse than mustard gas. I know, I made some once...not on purpose. My cat peed outside the litter box and I thought the best way to deal with it was to pour bleach on it and then wipe it up. WRONG. My eyes began to burn, my throat became itchy and tight, I even became light headed. I literately had to leave and wait for about an hour before I could return to finish cleaning.......YES, that is now what I can produce off 10 oz of food a day at most. And since I know there is no way I am alone here, I decided to tell you a few funny stories.

1. The Best Alarm Clock Ever Made

The other night, my husband fell asleep on the couch. This is nothing new as he seems to think that the T.V. + couch =sleep. So, I continued to watch the movie that I had on. Around an hour and half after he dozed off, I felt it. The need to let some gas out. I knew I had been lucky all day and they had not been foul smelling so i figured that since he was asleep, I would not leave the room (which I do try to do since I had surgery). So, Poof....there it is. And within seconds, I smell it. It was the worst smelling fart of my life. It didn't just say hello and leave. No, it became an unwelcome guest and decided to stay and watch the show with me. Now, to make matters worse, my husbands head was closer to my backside than my front side. Our couches are in an L shape and I was leaning the other way. Therefore, this fart was a dead bulls-eye for my husbands face. "Stay asleep, Stay asleep" I kept thinking over and over. Then I saw it. The twitch of his nose, the squint of his eyes....the toss and turn....and BAM, he's awake. Now, I didn't say anything at first. But after about 2mins, he says, "I am so sorry i must have been really gassy in my sleep. It stunk so bad it woke me up from a dream!" Now, I have an out. Do I take it and tell him it's alright and it happens to all of us? NOPE. I fess up. His response, "Oh thank goodness, I was wondering when my farts became so deadly!!" Yes, that's right, I out farted a man and even he admitted that my fart was worse than ANY he had ever had. I hate to agree with him, but I think he's right.

2. The Chiropractor (the day after the alarm clock fart)

So, as you can imagine, I'm still gasy and they still smell horrible. But, i still went to my chiropractic appointment becasue to be honest, I needed a really good crack. Now, before I went back, the doctor, receptionist and I were chatting and I tell a story about when I let out a small toot in my old chiropractor's office (no smell) and how embarrassed I was. I must have said I'm sorry a million times. We all got a good laugh and when I was called back, I told myself that no matter what, i was not allowed to let gas out any hole...no matter what!!! So, we do the adjustment and she goes to put these blocks under my thighs (they help alignment) and right then, poooooffff. It was silent and that scared me to death. So, i knew I had to fess up. I mean come on, if it was even half of what the one yesterday was like then they wouldn't be able to use that room for days. So, I told her. I turned red. I told her about waking up my husband and that if it stinks, I am SOOOOOO Sorry. She laughed and finished up with me and even thanked me for my honestly. Apparently most people don't even say anything.....like she won't know it was them. LOL. Well, I thought I was off the hook. i thought for sure it was odorless. So as I was grabbing my keys and phone, I hear my doctor say this, "So-and-So, can you please go spray down that room once Trish leaves?" i am not sure how I managed to make it out of there with any dignity. Lucky for me I have a very good doctor with a wonderful sense of humor. That is the only reason I'm not looking for a new doc to crack my back now.

So, I have finally given in to the fact that I am a gassy woman. No matter how hard I try, i can no longer be lady like all the time. I know I can't be the only one of us out there with stories like this....so what's your most embarrassing gas story since surgery? I would love to know...or else I'm just going to feel like an all alone fart queen. And, that's one title NO woman wants.....EVER!!!!