Well.......... let's see ...... not sure where I've left off in my story of gastric sleeve. Yet I've had more update as of 11/14, I had a CAT scan as per my bariatric dr's orders to see what was going on.

I was complaining of not being able to sleep lying flat, feeling like I was drowning, choking up my lungs each time I tried to lie down. So I resorted to sleeping in a chair or sitting at a 90 degree angle in bed. Not comfortable. Not to mention that I would cough and almost choke myself in the midst of the night, so sleeping was sporadic. Was doing Vicks vapor rub to breathe better and Robitussin but nothing was working. Dr. said let's do a CAT scan, which I did on the 11/14 date - at 1 pm. My dr. called me at 3:45 pm (um hello? that's a bit quick, so uh oh)... he says you have to go to the hospital Stephanie, something's wrong. It appears that I had another staple open up and leak more out into my cavity, which has penetrated my lungs and diaphragm, where I have a slight hole in my diaphragm. I also have a gastric fistula that connects my tummy to my lung and to my diaphragm. My left lower lobe is collapsed on my lung so it's harder to breathe than it should be.

So I went and got admitted on 11/14. I went at 8 pm as per the dr.'s request, after the 7 pm nurse shift change. My son and my hubs went with me to the ER and waited with me, thinking we wouldn't be too long in the ER and would get to a room relatively quickly. Um, no. It was 1 am before we got to a room. My poor child was sleeping in a chair in the ER. Let me tell you too, IDK what the heck anyone that works in the ER thinks they know. This last visit to Baylor Carrollton worries me about ever going to the ER. The "dr." (Muniz I think was his name) was such a moron that he thought my dr. was a podiatrist. I personally think that mr. great looking dr. was too busy checking out my very attractive but yet super biatchy nurse. Whatever. I have had my moments in the ER on several occassions and let me tell you, if something goes wrong, you're better off trying to wait to go to your dr. rather than the ER in the midst of the night. At least so has been my experience.

Anyways, got admitted and eventually had a chest tube placed. It was placed in my back, in an attempt to drain my lungs out. I also had revision surgery to my sleeve, again, on 11/20. My dr. stapled it again, sewed it and glued it. And attempted to clean out what he could of the fistula. The cardiac thoracic surgeon that was consulted was called away to an extreme medical emergency so he couldn't complete the bronchoscopy that he had planned. He originally thought that it might need to be an open surgery, which thankfully the chest tube extracted more than they hoped, so the CT surgeon thought only a bronchoscopy was neeed. He was called away, so they believe that high doses of IV antibiotics will help address any residual crap that remains in my lungs.

So I'm home now, the day after thanksgiving I got released. Can I tell you how bad it sucked to have yet give ANOTHER holiday to this mess of my gastric sleeve experience? I am so sick and tired of complications taking my holidays and my time with my family. Not to mention, yet again, I am on a liquid diet but limited to 4 oz at a time. Except now.... I drink something and choke it up through my lungs somehow I think. IDK what's going on, I just know a sip of something and it goes down and I begin coughing. IDK if it's the fistula still there but I am going to call my dr. tomorrow morning to see if we can plan a CAT scan, chest xray, another leak test before the end of the year (since my deductible is met) to see where we are and what steps are next. I don't believe all of my issues are done yet and I want to know what my options are going forward to get this all addressed.

The only problem now is ... my husband got laid off on friday. He had been at his job 10.5 years and they call it a RIF or reduction in force. It's when they decide they don't need as many workers as they needed before. Except I am freaking out now, or did. It's just one more stressor that I don't need. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's scary. I've worked out the numbers to know that I can almost make everything on my salary (thank God) but he's luckily got 1 week of severance with every year of service. So that will get us a bit more than 2 months of pay, yay (thank you God). Let's just hope that he can find another tester position in IT soon.

So anyone that might read my blog, that's where I'm at.

EVERYONE always says how positive I am, what an inspiration I am.... and I hate to tell you, but my light is lost right now. I feel like God has forsaken me or is angry with me for having done this surgery in the first place. And that has to be why I've had so many issues.

I made a list today of all of the things that I miss......... and just eating with my family is the hardest one. I did this to live longer for my son and now I can't have much quality with him. I've lost so much weight that I now fit into a size 4, but it's not a celebratory experience. I am too skinny now. At 5'7", I don't need to be 132.5 lbs. I need to be at the smallest, 135. I know it's not much, but do you realize how hard it is to get quality calories in to keep weight on? So I've said "screw it" and I'm doing chocolate bars, baskin robbins milk shakes, whatever I can think of to up up up my daily caloric intake. I don't feel like eating nor drinking, especially once I do I choke myself to almost the point of vomiting on myself. It sucks, totally. And I am sagging in places I don't wish to sag and it worries me. If my body's reacted this poorly to gastric sleeve, how could I ever consider another surgery? (and the boobs ... well let's just say that's always been a dream but ESPECIALLY now, and with what i just mentioned, guess that dream's gone)

The weird thing is my hubs still says he loves me. He loves everything about me, he supports me, he reminds me that I did the best thing that I thought at the time and he reminds me you can't go back in time. God I love that man. Sometimes I forget that, I hate to admit that, but after 23 years together, it happens unfortunately.

The best thing was that at least we could fly his mom over to help whenever I was in the hospital. We left his car for her and I wrote out directions to my son's school and the hospital. And kudos to her, she actually drove here to those places. Driving here in any capacity scares the heebie jeebies out of her. The smaller town that we are from is much slower than here so I can understand. God bless her, she was a huge help (although everyone does laundry different, thankfully at least she helped keep up the house in any way possible and spent quality time with my son).

So where should I leave off? As I cough more crap up out of my lungs and it tastes like the protein shake that I drank two and a half hours ago, IDK. I am scared. I don't want to have issues from this surgery for years of my life moving forward. We went to the Grapevine Mills mall today and I barely made it, but I did make a lap at the mall. Granted I stopped about 4-6 times to sit for at least 5 mins a time, but I made it. I am wiped out and tired, but I made it.

I pray that I stop coughing every time that it seems like I drink. I pray that my PICC line doesn't get infected (it started bleeding last night as I think the shirt I had on yesterday pulled on it). I pray that my left shoulder pain doesn't come back (as it felt like it came back tonight). I pray that the pus pocket that is in my back, that was attempting to poke out of my body (no lie, they said that's why I had that egg of pus on my back), that it goes away. I pray that these home i.v. antibiotics get me to 100% capacity. And I pray that my dr.'s have the knowledge to address any residual effects and that I get to the right one to do so.

And I pray for a longer life for my son. I pray that I can be "normal" again and accept lunch dates w/o restrictions on my diet or special considerations. I pray to be able to schedule a vacation and not worry about when and where based on my health status. I pray more than anything that I get my positive back and that I feel the hand of God in my life, guiding me because I think I've lost that right now in all of my fears and I miss His presence with me whenever no one else is around (as I cough up my guts at 3, 5 and 6 am, praying for relief). God forgive me for my weakness, but it is what it is.

More than anything, I wish I had had an "easy" gastric sleeve surgery and I wonder why my experience has been the one that I've had.

I've got to go do another round of I.V. antibiotics and so that I can get to bed... hope if anyone reads this, that it might help you and that you are doing well. xx