Hi. Welcome to my quest.

I turned 38 on March 25th at a whopping 273 lbs-- the heaviest I have ever been on my birthday. I dieted down to about 243 by June 1.... and then bounced between 243 and 238 ever since. As of this moment I am sure I am over 250.

I have been fat since my teens, so a very long time. I have been as low as 218, but I haven't seen that number since the end of 2007. I haven't been under 200 lbs since I was in high school.

On top of that, I am legally blind and I wear very thick glasses. I am awkward, shy, and painfully introverted. A fun night in is a bowl of popcorn and a good book or all my internet buddies. I know nothing about makeup and most days I don't give a crap what I look like. I don't date at all. Men aren't interested in me even if I wanted to date, so that makes it easy to just not care.

I am scheduled for Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on December 21, 2012. I've told myself that I have a bit over a year to get my act together and be 'fahn'-- not pretty, not 'okay if you're looking at her from far away', not 'well the fat one has a pretty face', not 'would be so pretty if she was thin'-- FAHN. It's a word that my friends and I use when we mean more than pretty, more than beautiful, more than hot, more than sexy.

FAHN. By 40. I will be there.

Since I have a bit of time before my surgery and I am ANXIOUS about it, I need a project to distract me. I am going through things I want to do to make changes and one of those things is my face. Well, the skin on it. I have facial hair, I have melasma (dark brown patch on my cheek), I have stubby eyelashes, I don't wear makeup and I don't really give a second thought to what my brows look like. Tangentially my hair is frequently just in a ponytail. I don't do anything to it and rarely have the desire to. So to distract myself I am working a bit on my appearance while I prep for life changing surgery.

I have ordered a Clarisonic Mia and I'll be tracking it in Nov to see if things improve on my face. I am also looking to get a scrip for Vaniqua so that I can start stunting the growth of hair. Drinking more water to make sure my skin stays clear, once I get it there. And in general starting to care about myself and my appearance.

My dad was recently in town and preached to me about loving myself. I'm trying, dad. Working on it.

A few befores. May I never be this fat again. I'm the one in orange/ the one in the long dress w/blue sweater