I have been thinking of several things lately.... trying to work on my head issues. In my rambling mind, I mostly have been considering what my overall goals were of having this surgery. I wanted to take health issues off of my plate to live a longer life for my son. Losing my mom in 2008, it really undid me for a while. IDK if my son will ever feel that same way, but I know one thing... when you lose your parents from this earth, the world feels much much smaller. As I get older, as "friends" have come and gone, I hold two people closer to my heart and that's my hubs (who knows if or when he could/would/should trade me in, but I'll always love him) and my son. So doing this surgery was primarily for them. But it was more than just living longer. It was so I could be more active with them, which I have done (discounting football... I know sacreligious comment but I hate football. College football I can withstand SOMETIMES). Next week kiddo starts basketball and I've committed to taking him to those practices and games. So I'm trying to push myself to do what I said I was going to do - be more active, more involved with him/them, etc.

The other reasons for my surgery are rather vain or self-absorbed. I hated shopping. And I love to shop. By that I am not a Kim K. or those heifers you see on t.v. where they think the world revolves around them. (rolls eyes) Instead, I like searching out affordable buys that are unique if possible. Yesterday we went to the mall to have my watch looked at. I had to have FOUR links taken out of my watch... lol. THAT is weird to me. I asked her to put one back in and I'm wondering if I should have put back two. I got so used to everything bigger on me like watch bands, bagger like clothes to hide my fat, etc.... that this journey still hasn't yet made sense in my brain yet. To say that I've lost 109 lb.s in not even 8 months (not quite yet), I find that rather amazing. And my eyes look at me in the mirror, but my brain doesn't register that it's me, that I am small as I am now. I mean my "desire" in my heart, deep down, was at least to get to a size 8. I used to always always always tell the hubs, it'll NEVER happen. Now I'm a size six in my smallest jeans. Jeans! I thought that had to be a 'fluke'... it was jeans from old navy and someone said they run large. But this weekend, I tried on different styles/brands at yet another Ross excursion and guess what? One swallowed me and one was tight. The other fit perfectly. Mind you that I still am also wearing 8's and 10's, I probably even have a few 12's mixed in my closet now. But I have never in my life been below at size 14 ... that was my smallest and I wouldn't allow myself to get bigger than 18W. Side note, the 12's are comfy to me too... I got so used to wearing baggier clothes whenever I was obese, it's now a hard habit to break.

I remember being a teenager and wanting to be a size 4 so bad. That was the "ideal"... that's what you saw all of those girls in Seventeen magazine, smiling, looking so carefree and they all had to be super tiny. Now mind you, I know it's gay men in that industry that dictate the cut/look/style of clothes so yes, of course they are going to choose girls that look more like boys! lol... (nothing wrong with a gay man or men, but c'mon... how in hades did we agree that THEY tell us what is sexy for hetero's? this world is so odd sometimes right?). But to think that I'm almost to that "ideal" ... and at 38 years of age. I wish I could have had this surgery in my teens or 20's. Not that I want my life to change or be changed, but what would the difference in my confidence have been? I get looked at differently, treated differently, IDK quite how to explain it. Women that I used to think were uptight and pretentious now openly smile and talk to me say in a store or the gym. That used to never happen. Is it me? Have I opened up? Or is it them opening up because of my thinned appearance? This journey causes you to consider and reconsider so many things you used to assume. Or at least for me it has.

Yesterday I went to the mall though, got the watch changed up (links taken out) and told hubs, let's go look at the shoe dept. I need some new Sketchers as I throw those on on the weekends and love them to bits. There's a store across from the shoe dept that I have never allowed myself to walk into. I was always too big for that. If it didn't say Lane Bryant or The Avenue or was known to have a plus size section (i.e. Cato, Dots, Dillards, Macy's, etc etc U KNOW WHAT I MEAN), then I just didn't even allow myself to go in and look. But I had to literally check myself with the thought, oh yeah, I AM "small" now... and hubs said ok whenever I asked to go look.

The oddest thing to me is trying on clothes where a small swallows me. The other odd thing is that I can fit into anything that I want or can afford. Except for shoes, damn size 11 feet and the tranny's/cross dresser's always buy up the cutest ones, grrr.... (hey they sometimes have great taste so I ain't hating, but dammit I AM a girl and have to buy those type of shoes so leave a sister some choices!!!!). Anywho, I just worry now.... I worry entirely too much... but what if having this leak caused me to lose more than I would have otherwise? Once it's gone, can I keep the weight off? I pray still, every day, that this dang thing heals. (and I struggle getting good protein in for my total day a LOT lately) But honestly, this leak is a mind f*$# too ya know? I am still going to the gym (even after hyper extending my flexor muscle in my left foot) and doing 7-9 miles when I go. So do I even give myself the possibility that I have worked my tail off to have such a large weight loss in such a short time? No. And isn't that sort of thought process what gets us into trouble in the first place? Not giving ourselves credit and instead only nit picking all that we have done or do wrong.... Or is that just me?

I get ppl that I hear talk crap about me behind my back. I never have understood jealousy (thank God) and I know that's what the root of ppl talking about me behind my back. The thing is... what I'm doing in this journey, I don't keep it a secret. And I'm happy to share what's worked for me vs. what's not working for you. But the thing that DOES piss me off... don't turn your self loathing onto me. That's one thing I cannot respect or fathom ya know? If you are angry at yourself for not doing what I am pushing myself to do, don't use my name as the target for what you are feeling. It's misguided. Go look in a mirror.

Then I see ppl on here or MFP many of the times with posts about not losing or stalling ..... ok, I have to admit this... I'm sorry, but I'm so tired of it. I attempt to be supportive of these ppl but whenever I ask - do you log your food? (are you logging every bite? you'd be amazed what 3 bites here or there equates to in caloric intake!) Do you exercise? (and omg when I tell them to do cardio 60-90 mins most days of the week, they totally shut up! but c'mon it's true...) Do you drink water? I usually get non-responses but the thing is - if you aren't doing these basic things, then you are probably better to not even ask why. You say you did this surgery to change your life. Well that's partially right. Some of these ppl, to me, I have to interpret it as you took the easy way into trying to change your life by having this surgery. By making that statement, I mean that there is an easy portion of weight loss involved after you cut 85% of your tummy out for every single one of us who've chosen to do this drastic measure. But then it stops and it relies on you and the environmental/head changes you attempt to instill. And in a year, whenever you can eat more, you better have gotten your stuff straight because it's real easy to slide back from what I understand. And that scares me, especially with my having all of these complications. So yeah, I'm pushing myself. Trying to get my own chit straight because I want to be a life long success story.

The other issue I have with posts like this... you give me a bad name. People look at me whenever I tell them I had surgery and it's this momentary UMMM HUMMMM. We all know that judgement from someone we've told or will tell. Well two words in my mind for those ppl: bite me. Yes, surgery has made my innermost dreams a reality but bite me because I AM doing 7-9 miles in the gym on a regular basis. I do track every stinking (and some days quite shameful) bites and I DO drink 7 glasses of 8 oz cups of water a day. Am I perfect? HECK NO.... no way, no how, no sir. But whenever I read these posts here or on MFP on what am I doing wrong.. well first on MFP have your diary shared. If you don't, then what can anyone look to see how you are doing and suggest changes? Plus, how are you being held accountable? Second, get back to basics before you ask that. By that I mean, clean house - are you planning your food or just running to sonic and or mcdonalds? are you getting water/protein/sleep/exercise as you know you should? But if you aren't doing the basics, it's time to either clean up what you are doing or tweak things up on those levels. You have the knowledge at your fingertips. The best marketing message in the last 20 years comes to mind........ JUST DO IT. Yes we all struggle with getting back to motivation, so that's where I lean most days and try to be supportive... but as I just read a whiny and somewhat angry post about stalling, it struck a nerve. My bad, sorry.

Ok my saying all of this is a venting/rambling session. Doesn't mean I won't support ppl who need help... but jeesh louise. Ya know?

So I guess this is another entry from rambling rita (my real name is stephanie but i call myself this as i brain dump here whatever thoughts are crowding my skull, in between my dogs coming to play, son coming to talk about wresting, hubs coming to ask me about x, y, or z... so pardon me!).

I truly wish everyone the best of luck on this journey. I have so much to learn and work on, but I'm trying to practice patience with myself.... and extend it even to others (with their crazy posts, lol).

Best always!

xx

Stephanie