I'm not a good wait-er. I never have been. In fact, my impatience may be one of my defining characteristics. And when I set my mind on something, I become extremely focused on it. This can be really useful, except when it has to do with something that I feel I have very little control over. And that brings me to my progress toward WLS.

And yes, I know, I actually have lots of control. My insurance requires 6 months of pre-surg diet and exercise counseling, and I am now 3 weeks away from my last appointment. In the coming weeks I'll have my psych-eval, I'll meet with my surgeon, and I'll have a diet/exercise class. Then, around November 10th, they'll submit my information to insurance. I'm doing everything that they want, but I know that's not always enough.

The thing is, during this pre-surg period, I haven't lost anything. In fact, I've gained a little. Right after my first month, I put on 6 pounds. Bam, there it was, even though I was working out and watching what I was eating. But that's the way my body has always been. I seem to have gotten that under control and now I'm heading in the right direction, but I'm going to be struggling to get back under that 248 mark for the next appointment. I'm exercising regularly and trying to stay under 1200 calories a day, so hopefully I get there. I just hope that the insurance company sees it as being enough.

I've started this process three times now. Here's how it's gone so far

1. I spent 3 months in early 2011 going to classes and meeting with my doctor. I even had my psych eval and met with my surgeon. At that point I was 263. Then, during one of many discussions with the insurance people at the office, we realized that I didn't meet criteria because I needed a BMI of 40+ for at least 3 years. This had only been 2. Extremely frustrated, I abandoned the idea and decided to go it alone. (With Nutrisystem. That didn't last long-- I lost 14 pounds that came right back on as soon as I stopped eating their food. I could only stomach/afford it for three months.)

2. One year later, I decided to start the process again. I learned that everything I had done the year before didn't count (I assumed as much) but my 150 dollar deposit would carry over. Two months in, the same insurance person in the office told me that my insurance was redoing their criteria and that it would not be in my favor. Frustrated and very sad, I decided that this was not in the stars for me. I spent 400 dollars to get hypnotized in June of 2012. It didn't work. I'm still fat.

3. In July, out of frustration, I contacted the WL Center again just to make sure that I understood exactly what the new criteria actually is. To my surprise, I found a new person was doing the insurance information for the office, and she seemed to have a better handle on what was going on. In fact, it turns out that I could have continued last spring because the insurance changes were actually IN MY FAVOR. So in August I started the six month process again.

4. Now, last week, I found out that I actually get to count the two months of D/E counseling that I did this spring, meaning that I am two months closer to my surgery than I expected. But that also means that I have less time to lose the weight that I gained at the beginning this time.

I have an appointment tomorrow for a Diet and Nutrition class, and I hope to sit down afterwards and go over all of this with the new gal and make sure it looks okay. I get it all comes down to this: My hopes have been dashed so many times so far that I feel like it's not going to happen. And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this because they just don't understand.

But I guess I just need to stay positive. I can't control it, but I can control how I feel in the coming weeks. I guess it would be silly to let my worrying ruin the coming weeks. So, I'm currently accepting any positive energy that anyone is willing to send my way.