Fair warning: This is a long backstory type vent.

As the title explains, they'll be submitting this week to my insurance and eventually set me up with a date they think will be in January. I've lost about 34lbs in the pre-op during the visits. They coo and praise what I've accomplished. And I'm just not feeling it. I think it's because, oddly, weight-loss pre-op was not the goal, getting stuff done for the surgery was, this is insane, I know. I also look at it like it's verification that I can't really do this by myself. I mean if I lost say 50 lbs a year it would take me another 3 solid years to get all the weight I need off...barring any falling off the wagon...you know because that never happens....

I've got a bit going on in my life and it just feels like now I'm at the crossroads. I'm working full time, I've just come up on a year working for this company but I've only been hired as a permanent employee since April and I haven't taken a day off since. I'm also going to post graduate classes so I can sit for the CPA----note to self: get the freakin application form----. And I was going do some tax prep stuff for a seasonal place, just so I could keep up with tax updates, make a little extra money and get my family's taxes done. Ok.. now add vsg at some point in January and you can now see the problem of having too much to do in the space and time I have. Additionally I've only got 2 weeks of pto which will not actually be 2 weeks of pto because the pre-op classes and meetings are going to take the better part of a morning so...bye bye 8 hours of pto just in prep for this. I'm thinking the tax prep thing is going to have to go. And that about where I'm at the point of feeling the stress start to come into the back of my neck. It's just all getting to be a bit much.

I still desperately want the surgery. Its so important to me not to go through another year carrying a full grown person w/ me wherever I go. I dont think this forum is a place I need to explain the reasons or defend myself. But outside this place I feel extraordinarily defensive about the desire to have the surgery. My family is either in the dark or not supportive. I live at home w/ my parents right now because the job I have doesn't pay enough to be out on my own but the insurance covers the surgery. This is why I felt conditions were right for the surgery.

My dad has no idea, he had a stroke 7 years ago, he's mostly fine but his personality did a 180 degree change and he's no longer the parent that I can talk to but rather the parent that I try to avoid dealing with altogether. Long story short, he's a liar and he constantly needs someone to stroke the ego, the way a 5 year old shows youhow nice he made the bed. My mom knows I'm doing this but thinks it's drastic, thinks it not the right choice and why can't I just keep going to the nutritionist since I've already lost weight that way? When we talk about it she gets quiet because she doesn't like it. This wouldn't bother me if I didn't need her for my recovery. And if god forbid something goes wrong my mom is exactly the type that gives you the told you so look and lecture. Right... I can totally see me in agony w/ picc lines and leak tests her just looking at me like...see what did i tell you....

Why can't I just be happy that I've done everything to finally get the letter sent?

I just have a lot on my mind. I have a lot of decisions to make and it feels like I'm going to have to risk something.