Today, I am spent. First thing, I woke up upset,(with heartburn) having dreamt of my ex-husband, whom was a rotten prick, but whom I loved with my whole heart. I dream of him too often, but I can't help it. I've been divorced over 7 years, but I took my vows seriously, and though we had an incredibly difficult life beyone what a jerk he was, I still have a part of me that grieves, and it comes out in my dreams in the form of having him in my life...but in a way that I wished he would have been. I don't know that these dreams ever go away. I do know I am still emotionally riding a roller coaster, and that most of it is from the drama of this surgery and the whole long, drawn-out process. I just hope that the Lord is preparing a wonderful husband for me for someday in the future...a man that I can love with my whole heart and get that in return. I would never want anything less.

Went for a walk this morning, then to Walmart and did actual shopping. I had to empty the cart myself, which meant bending and lifting...not what I planned to do. I couldn't push the cart up the hilled parking lot, so my daughter had to do it. She would have unloaded the cart, but I had promised her pumpkin poptarts-as a treat of the season, and she went to get them and was not at the check-out. So, that tired me out, further. Then, I rested at home, and had no desire left to cook anything like I was originally planning, so I helped make some dinner, and the twins did the rest, while I rested in my recliner with all my pillows as comfy, warm cushions. I had a little leftover broth from Friendly's for breakfast, a super low fat cheese stick that I melted to oblivion before swallowing, which made me feel uncomfortable. I had also tried to eat a Jello Active pudding for a change of pace but those just don't do it for me, anymore. I'm so sick of protein shakes, and my daughter got out the cappuccino powders, and low and behold, they are to be made warm/hot! I don't like coffee, ever since I was pregnant with the twins, but I said, "fire it up" and she did! I enjoyed it and we added a half tablespoon of non-alkalinized organic cocoa powder and it was wonderful. I warmed up in my chair, and felt good enough to take my son to scouts...but once there, I quickly fell back to pain and even holding my left side to cough wasn't enough.

We sat in the van and I listened to the sounds of summer and felt the breeze through the two open windows, while listening to songs that require singing by the listener,....in an effort to be positive and enjoy myself. I had also taken another cappuccino--vanilla flavored--but it was not as good as the earlier, amarretto one. So, I didn't drink but half of it. I was hungry, still. Then, we got home and my son, who is still coughing, took four times the dose of cough medicine that he was supposed to. While I was concerned and know the proper course of action, my nerve finally snapped and I yelled at him to drink the water and get ready for bed. I just couldn't take one more thing. I felt bad and apologized for yelling...then he asked me if he was going to die, and said he understood I was upset....well, that made me feel worse, and I assured him he is ok, and that this happened one other time and he just has to drink water and sleep it off.

So, my belly gets hungry and has since a few days after surgery, but I am sick to death of protein shakes. What I wouldn't give for some tuna, or chicken, or a hot dog. I don't even need the carbs...just some actual substance...but then again, I'm terrified of things of substance making me sick. I still have this wretched gas that appears every time I eat or drink. The gas makes me feel stuffed and hungry at the same time. I did mix up a different protein shake, but accidentally put milk in it instead of water and it's goopy...so I won't ingest that. I had a greek yoplait and it was tough to eat, one lick after another off the back of a plastic spoon...with all the gas I'm feeling. Additionally, I have some heartburn this evening, as well...probably from not eating enough protein, and one of my incisions is leaking a mustard colored clearl liquid--which I read could be liquid fat coming out...iew, and ok, then!

Then, I wonder if I'm ever going to lose the weight. I woke up this morning, having gained .8lbs. It's probably from the salt in the broth, but still. Then I saw pictures floating across the computer screen when it was in down mode, and some of them have me much thinner and bigger, and the same during other times in my life...and at all those times, and even when pretty small, compared to now, men still found me repulsive, and undesirable...like when we went to the monster truck show...I love those shows, but all the bimbos there had on skimpy tight shorts and bikini tops...it really was disgusting. Then, when going through the autograph line, the men were rude to me, and my little children...and sweet on the skimpy biotches. I felt horrible about that...and I'm feeling emotional about losing weight, and if it will be enough, and getting emotionally tangled up, I realize at this moment, about things that don't even matter...but about things that bothered me when I saw those pictures. Also, when my loser ex-husband came back from overseas, I had pulled my life together and had lost quite a lot of weight, and then he said, 'you lost a lot of weight, I don't think I want a divorce anymore." Well, I layed the law down for him and told him what I expect of a husband...which wasn't what he was willing to give...so he went forward with the divorce, which was fine by me, but very upsetting.

It's just been so hard, my whole life a mess, starting with my father holding me down, beating me and forcing me to eat deer meat and mashed potatoes, and then when I was so terrified and upsed, I'd throw it up just to be forced to swallow the throwup....all the way through to being with the wrong kind of men and being judged for my size. One thing is for sure, I would never want to date a man who wouldn't date a bigger woman...how would I know if a man is kind to bigger women or not, I don't know, but I do know I need to get this crap I'm struggling with out of me....and leave it there...and build my life for me....care for myself for my health and the well-being of my children. I just wish I didn't have so much crap in my life all these years....adding being an orphan to the pile, and being abused by so many people, and abandoned, and then raising two special needs children, along with the loss of a child and so many others. I don't wonder how I got this way. It's just sad, and I want to be out of physical pain so that I can really work to move forward. I did not expect this amount of pain...it makes me feel vulnerable, and shed tears now and then, and I'm not used to that. I find myself leaning on the Lord and praying a lot about whatever comes into my mind. Apparently, whatever that is needs attention beyond what I can give, so I give it to the Lord...and get a hug from my best friend, my child....and person for whom I have tremendous respect, love and admiration. I hope to be as great a woman as she has been becoming. I am truly blessed by my children.

Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it, a clean slate with which to move forward, and that's what I intend to do...starting with cooking an egg like the one that I enjoyed so much the other day...got to get that protein in.