Hi. My name is Kristal and I'm a mommy and a wife. I'm 41 years old and I've been heavy for over 20 years now. I have a beautiful family and a lot to live for... so I want to start living! I feel like I spend most of my days just getting through the day. I take care of the kids (they are 2 and almost 4) and just kill time until my husband gets home. I'm lonely, but it's a self imposed loneliness because I don't feel like getting out and seeing anyone. I'm in a loving marriage and have the most supportive husband, but I'm still not happy. It all boils down to my weight.

Sometimes I just get so upset with myself. I know better, but I still eat the wrong things. I know better, but I still don't get up and move. I know better, but I still tear myself down emotionally. I know better, but I'm still almost 300 lbs. because at the end of the day it doesn't seem to matter that I know better... I'm not doing better!

I'm hoping to have surgery by the end of the year. I started my 6 mo supervised diet with my PCP in June, and I've gained over 10 lbs since that started! I've been doing worse since I made the decision to have the surgery, and it scares me to death. I worry this means I will fail at the weight loss after the surgery. I worry this means I'm not ready emotionally, and I worry that I will let my family down.

I'm currently lucky (knock on wood) that I have no health problems related to my weight. I know I'm not going to stay that lucky for much longer. My husband and I met a little later in life than some, and had our children later than most. I feel like I made a commitment when we had them that I need to live a long life and not orphan them at a young age. I'm not going to do that if I don't get this under control.

I've decided to start this blog to help me be more accountable. I'm going to start on a new plan TOMORROW, and hopefully this blog will help me stick to it. I hope some of you will help me on this journey. I feel very alone and frightened. I want to feel hopefully. Maybe tomorrow some hope will come for me.

Much love.

Kristal