Managed to get a shower, and walk the stairs with relative ease on the way up. Later in the day, I drove my daughter to dance class at the YMCA, and I sat in the park on my chair, reading the paper and trying to enjoy being outside for the first time since I went in the hospital. My son played with a friend at the park, too. Time passed slowly...but it was chilly, uncomfortable, and way past an hour when my son came over to me and I asked him to try and find his sister. I sat there feeling very vulnerable. There were way too many mutts there, and I'm deathly allergic to animals, and have some hefty asthma...so I didn't appreciate the way people were treating the public park like a private dog park. Some of the dogs were pretty large, strong and unruly, and near me...though I picked a semi-private spot to sit and try to relax. Then the hoodlums showed up, as did smokers and other characters. I was looking through one of the newspapers that have piled up and I saw an article about the person who got hired for a position I thought I would have a good chance at...and the article said that the guy they hired was groomed for the position, ect. I was told that when I was subbing in that district...and the article denied it...but there was one vote down by one of the board members for that cited reason...you know it's true...and I'm jobless and worried about that too!...then this political who-you-know crap takes over....so anyway....My daughter was not coming back, though her lesson is only 30 minutes long. I was in pain...belly hurting and feeling squished on itslef from sitting up and from my arms being close to the sides of my belly. I started to worry that my daughter might be in trouble....and that I am in such a vulnerable position that I wouldn't even be able to look for her. She wasn't coming back out...and I just sat there getting upset--because a red car tried to kidnap some children in a town not too far from here, and ready to cry...worrying about being forced to move out of our place, or being attacked-in my post surgical state...or having my child go missing...or get a chest cold from my irresponsible son--which would land me back in the hospital...and whatever else came into my head...because of how weak and dependent I am right now...plus I was cold and hungry. I am all we have...and I feel like it's taking forever to get better.

....I had felt ok this morning enough to even put some of my smaller clothes on to see how they fit...just a couple blouses that I got too fat to wear...I was a bit worn down from the shower and being up moving around, so I took a rest--that my son woke me up from. My girl wanted to go to dance...so I felt things out and thought I could sit there for half an hour and make the drive over to the Y...but it just made me hurt. I have had to take my pain meds, tonight. I feel guilty that my daughter is looking after me....she shouldn't have to.

I feel teary-eyed, today, after being stuck in the park. My daughter said she was sorry for not coming out right after the lesson. She was learning some new steps after class. Once we got home and I sat in my recliner...she made me tomato soup, and she prayed for me, and told me I was safe and not to worry and that she likes doing these little things for me....and then she gave me her stuffed horse that I gave to her when she went in the hospital the last time.

I sure hope this was worth it...that I lose the weight and am much better off than I am now, or have been in a long time.

I think what I have to do is lean on Jesus. I didn't go into this lightly, or without the guidance of the Lord...and as I feel so vulnerable...now is the time to lean on Christ...so that's what I'm trying to do.