Tonight my father is preparing a special meal for me, my last. I am really looking forward to it. Yesterday was the last day for diet coke and another favorite food. I am gearing up mentally and feel able to go forward.

It is not the food itself I fear but the panic I may feel when there's no way to modulate my feelings with excess. Then I read here about people's experiences and am reassured that what I am setting out to do is not impossible and my reasons for pursuing this are valid, despite the financial cost.

Yesterday I asked my son about how he felt about our spending this money on my surgery instead of his (tonsils.) He asked if I meant did he think I was putting myself ahead of him. I guess I had been afraid to ask directly. He said, no.

Because of my BMI (35) I have been given a list of guidelines for pre-op (this far out; I still have to do liquids 3 days before surgery) rather than a strict regimen of protein shakes & 1 high protein meal per day, which is what my sister did.

My sister has been so kind to me, buying ready-made shakes, vitamins, and other things that will make my journey easier. Budget-wise, as soon as I am able to eat solids, I'll be having some egg white omelettes probably rather than egg white mix. I really haven''t thought that far ahead, how I am going to be able to afford protein shakes for 3 mos. or longer. I am vaguely counting on saving money by not spending it on junk and restaurants.

I am very fortunate to have my sister do this before me. Plus she is extremely knowledgeable about the requirements to stay healthy and she can guide me.

I am feeling more confident about being able to wean off caffeine for the time necessary. I can't get out of bed and motivated to do anything without caffeine & for that reason, I was planning to disregard advice and try to circumvent the requirement by using caffeine strips, which dissolve in the mouth, instead of ingesting it through the stomach. My dad got so put out with me for planning to use caffeine when I've been told not to; he felt I would jeopardize the surgery and possibly my life. So I am coming to terms with the issue. I bought several boxes of caffeine strips at the dollar store pre-conversation with Dad, so I plan to use those pre-op only to the extent of weaning myself. I am hoping that if I use only what I need to "get up" then day-by-day I will use less.

I have a very famine-what-if-I-don't-have-enough outlook, so that is why I went overboard on my purchase. I thought it might not be available for me later as I had a hard time finding the store which sold it.

I also take a fistful of psychiatric drugs daily and I have no idea how I am going to be able to tolerate those after surgery. I didn't tell my psychiatrist about the surgery because I didn't want them to discontinue the near-free care I've been receiving since '94.

Well, time to get ready to go to my dad's.