I can't get this silly song out of my head... You made me love youuuuu, I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do it. It's now 10:35 and I've promised myself bed at 1030... so why posting? IDK. Today was a good day. I haven't had many of them and I've been in so much pain lately that I wouldn't recognize it if I saw it, or so's I thought. But IDK, today I just have been telling myself I know God is healing me. I sound corny or crazy, not sure to which is more apt to describe me; however, I feel like it's right. I am not the most church going person (long list of reasons why, but mostly summed up in as: experience with major hypocrisy, i don't have time to spell check that so forgive me, dang microsoft/now i'm dependent on freak'n spell check).... anywho, the pain was tolerable today (thank God) and I had planned out everything. Limited schedule of time and running, busy today. I like those days. Like I "have a life"... which I say I don't. Living in this large area, there are many times I find myself lonely. Everyone is so spread out, then you add in kids and extracurricular activities and limited time from work to do everything so it's crammed in on the weekends, well... to me, it gets lonely sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I personally have no qualms about "me" time or being alone, that's why I am a gym addict. Once I got over that thing that most of us women suffer from (you know, the 'I have to have a buddy or I feel self conscious'), I was all good and set to fly. Most of my life seems to operate that way and most of the time, it's copasethic. But sometimes, my most social side says "hey over here!" C'est la vie....

Anywho, I am rambling again. It's late and I'm honestly tired, but my 3rd wind wants to kick in. I'm about to brush my teefies and get into the most comfy tempurpedic mattress (worth every single stinking penny, twice over) with loads of pillows so I can go to the gym in the morning. Even if it's only for 30 mins (dammit, I want 60) but I just wanted to say, it's been a good day today. I seem to only post whenever there are issues and I'm at my breaking point. Today I feel the light of God surrounding me and I hope His light shines through me to others. Oh pitash if you don't believe in all of that ....... you should be around me, then you'd see it. I hope that I emulate what I feel from Him, to show my faith. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect (for certainnnn) .... and I still pray 15 gizillion times a day for Him to heal this leak, that I continue to hear gurgling, but in time I know He will. I am trying to think instead of this issue as an opportunity.... maybe this is happening to me so I can truly understand "mindful eating" and that is one major obstacle for me, that could be my undoing. I am a food addict, to the core.... ashamedly I admit, but I never am one to sugar coat (except with hershey's, hehe i wish, dang still on a liquid diet... digressing...). IDK, but I'm trying to view the lesson in this experience (whatever that is) and learn from it, instead of concentrating on something pathetic like poor me, why's this gotta happen (which I'd love to say, but pitash... pffff... s*it happens and it ain't gonna undo what's done or fix it). In every experience I have learned one thing.... there are reasons for these things to occur, which is revealed eventually. So today, thank you God for a good day (but pls pls pls heal this leak inside of me... I did my part, 132 g of protein, that was work too!). Please give me the strength to not be pathetic (as I would like to crumble into the fetal position and cry on occassion), give me the courage to identify my irrational behaviors and the wisdom to learn from my mistakes and move on, being the best me that I can be. Yeah so I ripped off the serenity prayer, but I'm an addict, unfortunately. My drug of choice? Food. And I cannot escape it. So give me strength, courage and wisdom to learn successfully how to deal with it and any of these issues that cross my path. Amen.

Ok this was another rambling post, but it is what it is... oh and make sure you go to bed singing "you made me loveeeee youuuuuu, I didn't wannaaaa do it..." *smiles* hugs... xxx Stephanie