Since being in the hospital, my lungs have been at least partially collapsed. I worked to be strong beforehand, given my hefty asthma, and worked to lift my chest and deep breathe, try to tolerate some coughing to clear the lungs of gunk. Until last night, that was extremely painful, and exhausting. I managed to take a relatively deep breath and give two coughs on the exhale. I'd swallow, since it would not come up to be expelled, otherwise. Then I learned to just carefully take another breath instead of swallowing, and let the product of another breath and double cough push the first junk up higher. Through doing this repeatedly, through to this morning, and at some points, somewhat against my will--since my body was sometimes coughing on it's own...I'm managed to clear my asthmatic lungs and feel that there is very little left unexpanded. I still have more coughing to do, but my lungs have gotten stronger, finally. I've been taking my rescue inhaler about 3 times per day to help expand and keep open the bronchioles so that they are not stressed and weakened. I am now exhausted....the coughing takes great effort, and the pain sucks the life out of you.

My nose is still producing bloody gunk from the O.R....but I think it is close to all cleaned out now...not sure why there was all that blood in my nose.

I'm starting to feel a lot less upset about some of the treatment I got in the hospital, such as when I was left for hours in supine position with half collapsed lungs, asthma, extreme pain, and needing to void. I am apalled at that! Also, I'm less bothered by how half of the nurses would not give me a boost in my bed--so that I could elongate my chest cavity and not have the bend in my back be matched with the bend in the bed, rather have my hips in the bend. There was constant not listening to me about that and other stuff...and about how I wanted the door shut to lessen the noise...etc. I found out that it was extra noisy by my room becaus the kitchen was right across the hallway from my room! You would think they'd give a darn about that. The other half of the nurses lilstened to me, and actually came to visit with me a bit, and were so kind it made up for what the others were doing so wrong.

I don't feel as strongly that I would never have done this surgery if I knew of how it would make me think i was going to die. I think if I had been properly informed of how bad the pain really is, then I would have possibly gone forward. I am still at the point where I don't give a rat's arse whether or not I lose weight now or ever, at this point. All I care about is trying to feel normal, again...out of all this pain, caring for my stomache, and trying to get outside to take my peaceful walks....given that I can barely walk around in the house, God only knows when that will be. Other than that. I just don't care. Maybe my give-a-damn will fix it self over time. I really need to get to the store for some things that I did not know I can have but which help...so I need to get better than this, soon.

The surgeon's office took me off the liquid Diocto....I don't even know why they gave me that...and the discharge form has "continue taking" for that...but I was never taking it...and it's horrible. And I don't have to take the aweful Zantac liquid either....I can take the inside of a Pepcid capsule. Just those two things have made it possible to fit food. Add to it that I can have greek yogurt, and now I am able to get some protein in, but it takes me 2 hours to eat a 5.3 ounce container.

I sure want to go to the fair, this month. Is that even going to be possible? What I'd really love to be able to do is mash up a meatball from there and eat that for dinner. That would be so cool, but if it doesn't happen, I honestly don't care.

I think about food, but my drive to eat it is just about nothing. I could sit here and not eat....I'm thirsty and would drink a little...but I have to force myself to eat shakes or yogurt. I guess that's ok. The motivating factor for eating is that I need protein to heal and keep my hair (what there is of it, since it falls out already from all the other times I gained and lost weight) in my head....oh yeah, and the sheer horror of the thoughts of ending up back in that hospital with those nurses, again!...and in more pain!

Let's all pray for each other and no complications. I do lean on our group here, and shall pray for everyone, as well. God's will be done....which brings me to another point.

Before the surgery, and for a very long time, I looked into the procedure, planned for it, got very involved with the programs, researched everything, and prayed daily about it when I took my walks, and had the notion to do so, and never once did I feel apprehensive about it...only once I had the procedure done and over with did I question my decision at all. I prayed for an answer...and the sleeve was the answer...without reservation...thee answer. Then I remembered this guy who said he felt God wanted him to be a trucker and get out on the road. Then he went and got a truck and went on the road and began hating it....he told his family about it and they said that if God intended for him to do that, then he must stick with it to learn what God has for him to learn and do...perhaps that's what I am experiencing. Anything good, comes with a price, and I am paying the price...in the end there will be great healing, which is what I pray for.