Well, I figured out how to post a new entry!!! I was going to give up, but gave it another try and found the button. Yippee.

Yesterday, I found myself feeling guilty a bit because I am unable to lose the weight and keep it off, in my current state. I felt a bit sad that I have to have surgery, but I know it's the right thing. At the beginning of this round of 2 week liquid diets, I was so upset because I was not able to eat beforehand, and was broke, etc...and the roller coaster of emotions was rampant. Now, I am feeling much better, but I want to eat all the time...and right now, it's pizza--brought on by the left over I took out of the freezer to give to my boy-who had a hard day at school. I have also been wanting an egg McMuffin...and just saw the commercial...ugh...I am hungry, and now I'm really toeing the line. I have been scared about surgery, and have worked to settle my fears by reminding myself that my children have had innumerable surgeries, and I assured them they'd be ok...and they were. I trust the surgeons and staff with their lives, and of course, must trust them with my own life! I hear and see myself telling my son that he is ok, that he is not going to die...and somehow my own mind and heart hears it...like a mom taking care of me...me taking care of me!!! Imagine that!

Anyway, my surgery is in 2 days!! 2 Days!!!! Can you believe that??!!! Finally!!

I have been sad that I could not eat at the diner that my sister owned before she took off to wherever and never came back--it openned and I didn't get to go there. I also want to eat at the sub place that has the best chicken parm hoagies ever!...and at the Subway--love the tomato sauce...and at Friendly's...and at Rodano's in Wilkes-barre--best spaghetti and meatballs. I realize though, that I made a choice to move forward with this surgery and to once and for all get a grip on permanent change in my life...and that others on here have said that they can eat what they want, but not as much, about a half a cup, eventually...I think I can live with that. I also want to go to the movies one last time and get some pretzel nuggets with spicy cheese, and some popcorn...and to go to the drive-ins for hot dogs and fries!!! Ugh. Since having some money to spend, and starting my 2 weeks, I did, indeed, have some of these foods so that I could ease my mind and be more prepared for the procedure...and success, but I still want more of it! I am never satisfied...only pacified at this point. Recognizing those two facts helps me to see that what I am doing...eating that pack of pretzels, and then wishing for and wanting another--though I can't fit more in my stomach...is not good...I need help...and that's what I have elected to get.

I know that if I was to not get the surgery, I would be very upset. I have weighed things carefully, and thought about what would happen, how I would feel if I did not go through with the procedure--which I already have a taste of from when I was denied by the insurance, and from when I had to drop out twice before because my son got sick again. I have so much peace about the sleeve that anything else is chaos. I have a real chance before me for real, permanent change, and I can hardly wait.

At the same time I am worried about problems during the sedation...such as that I might have a cardiac arrest or something and have to be shocked back....which happened to my brother, but supposedly for a different reason. (I don't get to see my family, nor hear from them very much, because I was an orphan...and we children were separated early on--a truly great tragedy and lifetime of suffering--which also has had a hand in food addiction and food abuse by me...among other things). But, then I remember that my twins were born very early, and very sick, and have had many surgeries and are ok...and that I have exercised and prepared for this, doing my breathing exercises, seeing an allergist and getting my asthma meds changed--so that the year long cough could go away. I am prepared, and my prayers have been answered! I prayed for years for an answer, and this is it.....maybe now, God will reverse the food issues that were caused by the evil in my father's heart. Maybe now...physically, the pathways will be changed....combined with my own efforts, and several years of trauma counseling that helped me deal with all the other crap. It's time for a body change!

I can't wait to put my smaller clothes on. I have bags and tubs of smaller clothing, as well as an industrial rack to hold current and not-so-long-ago clothing. There is a pink chiffon and silver sequen skirt that I cannot wait to donn and go to the market--or anywhere for that matter!! Jeans?!! Oh yeah!...looking forward to it, and to being comfortable in my own skin and clothes.

Can't wait to put on some hot little classy number and some high heels (which I will promptly remove) and strut around in front of the ex when I drop the children for a visit...he'll be eating his words...loser. I am improving my health for me, and have been divorced for over 7 years...but still...there is sweetness in even the slightest victory, and I'm going to enjoy that one! haha.

My girl and I will be wearing close to the same size when I get this weight off, and I can wear my Army class A's..and my cammos again! That would be very cool...and is something I have wanted to do for years...since I was pregnant with the twins 14 years ago.

It will be nice when I can see the bones in my feet and my ankles and legs are not swollen anymore, and when I can roll over in bed without a ton of aches and pains...and when I can increase my 1 mile walks to 2 or 3 miles at once...instead of doing 2-3 1 mile walks per day. There are just so many benefits!

Ooo...and I can get out my multitude of swim suits and try them on...and go find a new one that makes me look smashing!...that is a cool word..."smashing!" Positively smashing!

I would love to do the P90X program, too...not the jumping, but the rest of it...and to find my fitness like I had, and better, in the Army. I'm going to look for an ab workout to help me look not pregnant. No matter what size I am, people always ask me that. I'm used to it, and just say no, I'm not pregnant, just fat." Then they look at me, all shocked...and embarrassed and say either "Oh!" or run out of the store with their tails between their legs. I'll say to them, "That's ok, I get that all the time, but I did lose XX lbs. over the last 6 months." ...Doesn't matter, they are put in their place for asking such a personal question, in the first place. I don't really care about that much, though...I don't...I just want to feel good about my body, that I am caring for it as God intended, that I am working to live well for as long as I can for my family...however small it is with just the twins and me...for our futures, for my grandchildren...so they can say that I truly am and was a great and strong person, no matter what came my way...and have some more proof to go with it! Can't beat that!