I came across this website the other night that really hit a resounding clang with me. First, in my non sensical rambling sort of style, let me explain..... at night, I truly struggle with grazing more than any other time of the day. So what I've "resorted" to doing is instead, drinking more water and more water and more water as well as searching for recipes to keep my diet interesting and low fat.

In my menu search, one of my stumbles was a site called "canyoustayfordinner.com", written by a lady that has lost 135 lbs by sheer determination and a year of working out. She is also very kind to share her thoughts and insight on why she had issues with food.

One of the things that she wrote about was her compulsive eating...

"Because my compulsive eating is a problem of psychology, it is deeply rooted in my emotions and it will only be "solved" when I allow myself to feel the things that I run away from."

Hmm, so what do YOU run away from? I can so easily see this in others, but in myself, it's a bit harder - as always right? So point to ponder ....

She continues to speak on books that helped her with these thoughts (i.e. Geneen Roth's 'when food is love', 'feeding the hungry heart', and 'women, food and god' - all of which I hope to find soon), but she continues to speak on the 'inclination to bolt', defining this as 'the intense desire to leave yourself, to flee, when life becomes difficult. It is the wanting to be anywhere but where you are.' And she describes that 'Food is the place to go and escape.' These thoughts really hit something in me. IDK that I'm 100% a bolter, but I do understand the sentiment, especially of food as the escape. And I know that I have triggers with these sort of emotions, in just the way she described as well. But it's funny/odd, I didn't realize it until I read it from someone else. I never thought of it in that context! THAT is the kind of support that I am searching for in my journey. Learning from others experience and seeing ourselves in their reflection. Just not centering it around food in the process (i.e. let's get together over lunch/dinner/etc).

She went on to say 'obsession in any form, is an avoidance of the present. It's a way to survive life.' I know for me, for a while, ashamedly I used food to survive. Once my mom died, it was like my heart was ripped out. To say my father was hateful after her death specifically to me is an understatement. His becoming ill with cancer and the way that he and my siblings treated me, as well as dealing with missing my mother, let's just say I did whatever I could just to survive. Once I 'got it back together' again (which took a while), I could NOT lose the weight. Part of it might be the thyroid issues that I have, but part of it was not. So I had WLS.

The point of reading this article for me was what she said she did to overcome her obsession with food. It was the realization of this tendency to bolt. It was learning how to live in being uncomfortable. She went on to say that you have to deal with uncomfortable feelings, emotions, situations in order to not miss the opportunity to grow, learn and be strong. To me, that translates too as learning to 'live in the moment.' And it also leaves me points to think about - how else am I uncomfortable in life lessons that I've turned to food to deal with things previously?

We all hear of "mindful eating" right? But it's not only applicable to eating. It's being mindful of the moment, any moment, in which we are living. That's hard. C'mon with all of the distractions that we have (kids, blackberries, conflicting schedules, back ground noise, etc etc etc). And I know it's especially one I struggle with whenever I'm out with a group, out with a comfy set of friends and especially once food is added into that mix.

So what does that mean for me? IDK yet. I can't "escape" from food, it's a daily thing I have to have. However, for now, I choose to manage my environmental influences. I choose to remove possible situations and/or people that could result in influencing me to make toxic decisions. Toxic choices against the weight loss that I've already achieved.

It means that I have to be mindful and I choose not to have too many toxic choices available in my life. At least for now, as I'm still learning how to deal with this weight loss, I feel that it's what I have to do to be successful. IDK if it's right or wrong, but I know one thing. I am almost to goal but it's funny how I KNOW the food addict just wants to come back out. I don't realize yet that I am that 'skinny girl' that someone is referring to. That I am 'the workout fiend' or whatever. I still am "just me", whatever that is, IDK quite yet. But I am mindful that the evil food addict still lives in me. I'm just not fully cognizant yet of all of the ways she comes about to rear her ugly head. So I'm glad to have stumbled across "canyoustayfordinner.com" because it was one more way for me to consider how to deal with this deeply psychologically rooted issue. It is something that I have to do every day (eat), but I have roots that go beyond just food that I'm dealing with, or rather trying to deal with! And I'll do whatever I have to to be in the 80% that are successful. I want it bad enough that I'm willing to give up things that might be wonderful, but could be toxic for me......... at least right now. Sorry to those that don't understand it, but best wishes to you. This choice, for now, is what I am going to do to hopefully be successful for me.

Additionally, a funny item that was included that I'd like to share...

"Thinness is like Ikea furniture. It looks great in the showroom, but you have to get it home and assemble it yourself. Most times it doesn't look quite like you hoped." From looking at my naked self, now after 97 lbs lost, all I can say is..... so freak'n true, so true!