Today marks 10 days post op. Other than the acid reflux and slight weakness, I've had a relatively easy recovery which I'm truly thankful for. For the first week or so post op, there was no way I could even think of food. It's been a struggle to just get in the fluids I need, much less the protein. I haven't hit those goals yet but it does get better and better every day.

While I'm really thankful for the by-the-book recovery so far, the past few days I've experienced a combination of actual and head hunger. While I know very little actual food would make me full quickly, I am really struggling with missing my friend, food. It's a mix of an unhealthy emotional reliance, an actual love for food and cooking (I will always be a foodie), and feeling a bit sorry for myself on what I'm missing out on - I'm Chinese and from a big family.

As part of my recovery, I've been home with my parents and grandparents and food is so central to my culture. It's hard not taking part in my big family dinners where my aunts and uncles and cousins come, and it tests my every ounce of strength to help cook and not partake. I know this won't always be that way, and I've forced myself to confront these thoughts during my pre op emotional readiness, but the truth is - my all time favorite foods are shared with my family and sweet or carb based: claypot chicken rice, chewy korean spare ribs, chow fun, I could go on. I'm at a point now where I'm really sad and missing these foods. I want to be at a place where I can healthily balance a majority of protein but also be able to enjoy in a moderate balance the things I love - much of which include rice and noodles.

I also feel cheated because I didn't indulge in a "last meal". My surgeon's team advised against it and other than a few healthy cheat bites during my 14-day pre op, have been very by the book as far as my doctor's instructions have been. And while I love, love, LOVE the 25 lbs I've lost since my pre op began, a part of me (ok a larger part because I'm craving my favorites right now) regrets not indulging in my favorite foods that I won't be able to have for a while now.. until my stomach has healed in full and when I'm further along in my weight loss progress.

I've since TORTURED myself. I say it's a testament of my strength, but I am going through my favorite food blogs because all I'm craving are my favorite Asian comfort foods. I work in social media and Pinterest is like my hell right now because of the amazing food photography. I may or may not have actually DROOLED thinking about curry fried rice with roast pork or crispy peking duck on pillowy baos. I'm almost ashamed at how difficult of a time I'm having with actual comfort food withdrawal. I suppose it goes with the territory. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't a full on food addict.

I guess this all boils down to me really questioning whether I did the right thing. I know, deep down, that I did. And I know that as more weight comes off and the harder I work and the further out I get that I will fully feel that this is the right decision. But frankly, right now, I feel weak. I miss my favorite foods. I am tired, weak, full of head hunger and have found myself wondering if this was the wrong decision - even cried about it. I read posts from vets on this forum who are 1, 2, 3 years out and am filled with such jealousy that they've found the happy medium of being able to have the foods they love but in moderation. I feel like that's so far away for me and I'm in a dark place right now that I know I'll be able to pull myself out of eventually but right now.. I just don't know how to think about it and every day is a struggle!