I began this journey 3 years ago and walked away because I wasn't ready. I wanted to try one more time to lose this weight without surgery. I lost 50lbs and as soon as stress returned to my life, I gained it all back plus 10lbs. It was then that I knew surgery was necessary, not because I couldn't lose weight, but because I couldn't lose it and keep it off long term. I am 30 years old, 5'2 and weigh 238lbs which is 10lbs over my highest weight ever. I grew up thin and was thin for half of my twenties and then I hit a road bump in my life that caused some depression and my weight went from a comfortable 110lbs up to 200 over the next year. After that I gained 3-5 lbs here and there until I reached 228. That is where I stayed for the last 4 years until I lost the 50 at the end of the last year and then gained back 60...thus here we are now. I miss my old body (which I feel is permanently ruined due to the loose skin I'm sure to face) and I miss the old me in general. My outgoing personality seemed to die little by little as my weight increased. I no longer felt charismatic and beautiful...I just felt like I was trapped in someone else's body, which is not a fun thing to endure as I'm sure many of you know.

All that said, I went back to the surgeon in June and I diligently completed all of the requirements necessary to gain medical approval. Fortunately for me, we have changed insurance and my new insurance does not require a waiting period. As of today, I have been approved for surgery. An array of emotions came over me as I realized this is really going to happen.

• I have never had any type of surgery, EVER. So, there is certainly some fear involved there as I have no idea what to expect pain wise. The only idea I have about surgery is a recent dream I had where I had been through surgery and woke up feeling so much pain in my abdomen that I couldn't breathe (I woke up physically feeling this which tells me how amazing the mind/body is as a combination)...I am desperately hoping this was just that, a dream, because it was awful.
  
• I also worry that I won't be able to lose all of my weight. Even knowing mysef and knowing that I will follow the rules and exercise, I have concerns that it will somehow fail which will in turn make my decision a failure.
  
• And, lastly, I worry that something will go wrong and my family will be left without me because I couldn't settle for my current quality of life.
  
• Oh, and HAIR LOSS. This terrifies me. I have long pretty hair, although it is very fine) and I can't fathom having to cut it or lose it to the point that it is not pretty anymore. This really bums me out.
  

My plan is to have the surgery next week sometime. I am excited and scared, but ready to get this show on the road. I'd love to hear some positive stories or words of encouragement as I gear up for this day. I have made the choice to only share this decision with my husband and mother as I have heard some of the horror stories from other people regarding reactions, etc. The reality is that this is something I am doing for my physical and mental health and having negativity attached to that in any way by people in my life would grossly take away from my experience and I have decided it is not worth it at this time. Perhaps I'll change my mind later on, but I seriously doubt it.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope to post more in the future.