I’m writing this because I don’t believe I have ever been this frustrated in my entire life. I have been through so much bull shit in between doctor’s visits and dealing with my insurance and I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but I truly need to vent. I’m obese! Dammit I’m over 100 lbs over weight and this is simply bullshit! I’ve been through so many pre testing…I’ve paid at least 3 grand in having doctors see me naked and examine me for this surgery…only to have my paperwork not reach my insurance… my insurance to say it’ll take a good 30 days for me to be approved and my doctor’s office to be waiting….. mean while, my ass is getting sick and fucking tired of all this drama! I hate that I cry more than anything out of anxiety over this surgery…I don’t feel any closer today than I did back in August when I was sent to a doctor who didn’t even do the lap band procedure! I’m frustrated beyond frustration and I STILL have to put on a pretty face and work today!

I think that J doesn’t want to have anything to do with me because he hasn’t called me, and I don’t think he even cares…maybe I’m too fat for him? Duh…maybe I am, I know I hate what I see in the mirror! Ardith was right, people treat you so much different when you’re larger…I’m tired of being overlooked and ignored…I’m through with the men who want to be “friends” because they’re scared of being in a relationship with a fat girl. I’m no less likely loveable because of the extra flesh on my frame. I’m a human being…I’ve got feelings and why am I caring about Jeff when he obviously doesn’t give a rats ass about my big fat ass!? Can’t buy love Desiree, I could have sent dozens of care packages to his ass in Iraq and that wouldn’t change the fact that he used me and my kindness and I was a gullable stupid girl still searching for acceptance in others. When will I learn to crave that acceptance from myself. I know I’m venting, but am I really prepared for this surgery? I have a lot to think about…:angry

Wait a minute is this my journal....no Desiree girl we are all in the same boat. I have found that I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. Right now I am learning to love me. With that love will come a special cofidence of self acceptance and you won't stress about what others think. It takes time. I understand how women over 40 can walk around look like WHAT or absolutly FAB and still hold their head high....Self Acceptance.

I love you:huggie:

OOh I love you too girl!!! Thanks Teresita!