That was me, when...

8.15.12

It has been 4 months since I posted my first blog entry. I am happy to write that this week - Monday, August 13, 2012 - I was officially approved for surgery by Cigna. My surgery date is scheduled for September 9th. I am very excited and know the next 20 days will fly by! I've waited so long for this that it almost doesn't feel real. I guess as I have my pre-op visit and do the pre-op diet it will seem more real. When the coordinator called me I was ecstatic. I can still hear her voice telling me I was approved! The insurance process was so long and drawn out for me it was a dream come true to be approved.

Right now I am struggling with a weird guilt. I can't articulate exactly how I feel but *guilt* is the best word I can come up with. I think part of it is that I am a low BMI'er and not as deserving ? Maybe, I can't tell for sure. I can say that I've always had issues with being overweight. I yo-yo and have gotten slim and then put all the weight back on quickly. I worry that I am putting myself in harms way and at risk because I have no self control or will power and almost like I don't deserve the surgery. Its odd, hard to explain.

Add that to my excitement and you have my current frame of mind. I worry about being a good example for my daughters and wonder if this is setting a bad example for them. Hey, if you can't control yourself then just have surgery like me. Ugh...

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and that is a real struggle for me and the main cause of the weight gain over the past 3 years. I know if I get my weight under control the joints and body would feel so much better. I know I need to do this and I should do it but I almost feel like I need to make myself suffer for being heavy. I have this stigma that this is what I deserve for not being good enough like *regular* people that can control their weight. You know this fat girl guilt.

Well, just wanted to get an entry out that reflected how I was feeling right at this moment. I can't wait to look back at this entry a few weeks from now and smile because everything has worked itself out and I am post op and feeling good.