So, I'd say I'm PRE-pre-op. I'm terribly obese. I can't even tell you how obese because my doctor doesn't have a scale that goes that high. He hasn't had a scale that goes high enough... for a while. I'll be 32 in exactly 20 days and I've been fat my whole life. I've never been happy about that. I've never been proud of it. In fact, I've mostly tried to ignore it and hope everyone else does too. I've literally been the elephant in the room.

I considered surgery so many times in my life. But, I don't know, there was something nagging in the back of my mind saying that surgery was a bad idea. For whatever reason, I decided that I need to do something now. I've already "wasted" so much of my life being fat - because, sadly, I am a total hermit and don't go out, therefore have been single for WAY too long. I have zero confidence when it comes to men. Furthermore, I don't even like the idea of having someone touch me right now. I disgust myself. I know that might come off as totally self-loathing, but I really don't hate myself. I hate my situation. I want to change it. As someone who has tried to keep blinders on about it for years, I actually think it's the healthiest thing for me to look at myself through a strangers eyes. I'm no longer some chubby girl who's still kinda cute. I'm FAT. I don't want to be anymore!!

So, looking around at the various surgical options, I think I really want VSG. I talked to my PCP on a visit 2 weeks ago about surgery and he said we can get started so the insurance will approve it. He's referred people for it before, people with similar insurance as mine. At this last visit, I was also officially diagnosed with high blood pressure (160/90) and he put me on meds to bring it down. I go see him again Monday, and I have a whole bunch of questions written out for him. I've been seeing him for years and he respects me (I think) and he knows I have some medical knowledge (I'm a health insurance underwriter - YES, I'm probably that jerk you hate that declined you coverage) so I'm really hoping to get a better understanding of how the process works and what I can do to speed the process along. I got a referral to a Nutritionist from him on my last visit, I'm calling them tomorrow to schedule an appointment. (the referral came in the mail today - NO, I promise I haven't been procrastinating since 2 weeks ago!!)

I'M SO NERVOUS!!! I talked to my best friend about it last weekend and she wasn't as supportive as I thought she'd be. She's also overweight, but not nearly as much as I am. Despite the fact that we've shared with each other multiple times how unhappy we are with our weight, I really think she sees WLS negatively. She's the kind of friend who will support me anyway, but I just feel like deep down, she thinks I'm making a mistake - and that bums me out. Then again, I was one of those surgery nay-sayers 3 weeks ago, so I can also understand that A, the news was probably a shock and B. I could be projecting. She's got serious issues of her own to deal with, so maybe I'm putting too much value into the conversation!

I told my mom about it today. She was so happy for me! She's also overweight and said, "I've been wanting to do something like that too, but I'm too scared to take the plunge!! I'll let you go first - PAVE THE WAY!" I wish I had talked to my mom before I talked to my friend!!! (Isn't that how it always goes? lol) Anyway, Mom agreed to take good care of me post-op, so I got that part taken care of, albeit incredibly premature.

I realize I've barely dipped my toes in this whole process and I'm already so anxious to do this! I want my life to change. I want to go through what everyone describes here - the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows - I just want to turn my whole life around so I can go run down the street if I want to, or not have to worry about if there's a close parking spot or if that friend's house has a bunch of stairs.. OR ICE IN THE WINTER!! Ugh! I swear, FAT GIRL NITEMARE is falling on some ice and it's impossible to GET UP!! lol - gotta keep a sense of humor about these things, right?

Anyway, I really look forward to this journey. I hope I can stick to it, I hope I can get this done... wish me luck! Hope to find some cool people with a sense of humor to get through this process with on this site, and IRL.