Something is taking over me and it is called change. This is my second attempt to weight loss. I had weight loss surgery in 2009 and it did not work. I had Lap Band surgery at the time and now I am waiting for 8.23.12 when the defective Band will be removed and I will be Sleeved.

So, what is the changing and believing in me stuff all about? Well, the LapBand started off ok...that is if you call vomitting all the time and feeling dehydrated because I could barely sip water. I lost weight that way until one day it stopped. Each time thereafter when I went for a fill, nothing happened. Not enough fluid, let me go back.....still nothing. Hmmmm, let me change providers because "they" don't know what their doing. Hmmmm, same problem, different place so it must be..................me. Not only no weight loss, I experienced weight gain.

Needless to say it took me too long to figure it out I wasn't the problem.....the LapBand was. I internalized the failure as my own. In June 2012 I became empowered about my health. I went back to my original provider and the LapBand has a leak. Geez, it did not take a rocket science to figure that out but I was mentally in it and I made it my failure....it had to be "my fault." If only I would have been empowered and proactive before.....I could have save myself the mental knockout and the beating my body is taking for added weight gain.

June 2012 I decided "no more." When I was told the band was the problem I also realized I was the problem for not believing in me. For not even thinking the Band was defective.....it was easier for me to think I was defective. Enough.

Since that time, I have been proactive with getting my insurance to approve having the Band removed and getting Sleeved. I did not take a back seat and wait for things to happen, I played what I believed to be a significant part in making it happen.

I called the provider and insurance company constantly to make sure my name was in their "head." I wrote a letter to the insurance company, had it notarized and all so they heard my story regarding my failed LapBand. I told myself if I got denied for Sleeve it would not be without me doing all I felt I could do. It may not played a part in their decision making but it played a huge part in believing in me piloting my aircraft.

Enough insecurity. I wasted so much time and what I realize is that I don't have that kind of time to lose anymore. I'm calling myself out.

This website has become a part of my voice. I did not use support systems. I tried to figure it all out myself. I mean, I am successful taking care of my family. I am successful being a good friend. I am successful following through on the clients I serve at my social services job. Yet I fail me. It seems like I should have seen this but when you are immersed into yourself, you cannot see yourself or maybe I refused to look. Whatever the case, I am moving forward. I believe. I am empowered. I am motivated. I will be intentional about my acts. I will achieve weightloss.

I see it now because as excited as I am about my surgery in August, I am taking necessary steps now. I am watchful of what I eat. I am reaching out to people on this site instead of be a voyeur of this site. I need this site. I am thankful for it. I read the stories of where I am, where I was and where I am trying to go.......it all energizes me.

Anyone reading this who is doubtful.......believe. If you never believed in anything....if no one believes in you.....take all of that and believe this time. Believe you have a right to happiness. You have a right to be heard, to be seen to be acknowledged by all those who made you invisible including if you did it to yourself.

I will say this always. I've seen beautiful, fashionable and confident heavyweight women. Women who are comfortable in their own skin. I don't believe the world needs to be skinny. I do believe we should love ourselves and if we don't, we should do what we need to do to bring about change. This is my change and my newfound belief in me.