hey everyone. long time no see. I've been busy with pre-op diets and such....and then surgery on July 2nd....and now post-op diet stuff. it's been 9 days since surgery and i'm feeling ok. been a lot of ups and downs.

pre-diet

wasnt so bad! Due to diet restrictions I was able to have a tiny bit of real food mixed in with a lot of protein shakes and broth. the two weeks flew by pretty fast and it wasn't until the last few days that I started having the runs. that was embarassing at work.....in my head, no one actually noticed thank god! threw out a few pairs of undies though.

surgery day

everything went smoothly, took 2.5 hrs actual surgery time. they did repair a hiatal hurnia as well. I basically slept that day/night away and wasn't good for anything until the next day. i'm like that from anesthesia. I was in the hospital for 2 days as my blood showed it was fighting something. they wanted to make sure it wasnt infection. I walked a lot the 2nd day and was able to get liquids down. not as much as they would have liked, but enough.

Please make sure your hospital knows who you want in the pre-op room, etc. don't let what happened to me happen to you........

day of my surgery I was in the pre-op room, in a hospital gown in the bed. i was about to talk to my bf about something personal that would get my mind off things. I tend to internalize everything and dwell on things. i was making myself anxious and starting to panic. i'd wanted to talk to him about stuff like dreams of vacations, etc. i open my mouth to ask a question and I hear a voice in the hall. i clamped my mouth shut and in walks a co-worker.....AND HER HUSBAND!!!! first of all i didn't want her there in the room with me. 2nd of all you bring your HUSBAND???? what made her think i wanted him to see me in a hospital gown? they spent the next 10 mins prattling on about their life, etc. probably to try and get my mind off things but it just made it worse. the anesthesia guy comes in and I had to talk about personal med stuff in front of them. they didn't get the hint to leave! then a few minutes later the doc peeks his head in and I turned to them and said, well I gotta kick you out now. yep, i was rude....but they didn't get the hint before! doc asked me who they were and I said a co-worker and her husband and he was appalled that they were there. the staff hadn't even tried to see if I wanted to see them! i made sure he and my bf knew that when the update came afterwards it was NOT to be in front of them. I was in full blown anxiety and panic by the time they wheeled me off to surgery. luckily they didn't notice as it only showed in the way my right leg was moving. I hide it well. if they hadn't sedated me almost the minute i was in the OR i probably would have jumped down and ran. and i also hear that they went up to the room afterward. i slept the full day so I have no clue who was there and who wasn't.

Home

everyday has gotten better. i was on liquids for a week and by the end was drinking everything i was supposed to with no complications. i'm now on pureed foods. people say that's the worst stage. I won't lie, it's no fun eating mush when my boyfriend is eating chinese and fried chicken, etc. however, with that said i don't feel hungry at all. i eat because im supposed to eat. I have no cravings for food as I thought I would. i see him eat something and think yeah that would taste good. but i'm fine eating what i need to and letting him eat his fav foods. lol

i'm still bruised up a lot....especially from all the heprin injections (have to for 2 weeks). I still have quite a bit of pain on my left side and will need to ask the doc about that on Friday. and I wasn't able to go poop (sorry for graphic) since before the surgery. yesterday i was FINALLY able to and feel soooooo much better now. it hurt like HELL though!

i've been sleeping on the couch so I can be propped up some. kinda depressing since my bf and I are now sleeping seperately. but I just can't lie flat and get back up in the morning. first thing in the morning my pain is worse.

frustrated beyond belief right now. been having a hard time swallowing one of my night meds. it's a capsule so it's not like I can make it smaller. and if i take it out and take it as a powder I wanna puke. so called my psych and he switched it to liquid for me. got a call yesterday from the pharmacy (2 days later!) saying it would be over $100 (per month) with the discount card. discount card? what happened to my insurance? they won't cover it. so now i'm stuck with my capsules and hoping that they won't get stuck on the way down each night. i'm near tears!

my stomach pain isn't going away and they gave me a little bit of a hard time calling in more for me on Monday. i feel so bruised up inside, i look like a pin cushion from all the heprin shots and I'm getting frustrated that I can't even do normal everyday activities. i'm eating everything i'm supposed to to the T...no extra stuff. I've only lost 6 lbs. i did lose 3 inches of my belly, so guess that's something. maybe my shakes have too much sugar or something? trying not to give in to the feeling of eating even less just to lose more weight.

all in all it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. however it is still a very emotional journey and it's not over yet. i'm lucky to have the most amazing man in my life to help me through this and not let me slide down into my dark depression again. if anyone is reading this and still debating on the surgery please know that even after all i've just said I'd do it again. it really is worth it! one step at a time and i'll eventually get to that healthy life I desire so much