I have never had really bad PMS. Don't get me wrong, there were times I snapped for no reason or I would make my husband feel as though he should just hide away for a week or so, but real PMS, the kind that causes women to scream so that your hair stands on end, or the kind that turns that sweet person you've known and love into the devil.....I wasn't that type of PMSer. Now, I did have my moments. I would snap, but most of the time I realized why I was acting a certain way, I would apologize, and things would get better.

Since surgery, that is not the case at all. With all the hormones swimming through my body, my little snaps have become full on attacks. I can put any actress from any t.v. show or movie, who have had to show PMS to shame. I am worse than any Miadol commercial and trust me, Miadol wouldn't be able to help me even if I took the whole box. My husband's voice can sound like finger nails on a blackboard sometimes. Whom am I kidding, any voice can sound like that to me....even my own. The doctor told me this would happen, but I didn't really think she meant THIS bad.

The worst thing is that I am soooooo hungry and have been for two days now. My stomach is a bottomless pit. I want to eat everything. I want candy bars, ice cream, potato chips and pretzels. I want anything to eat besides protein. Well, I know I can't have those things which makes me even more grumpy (not sure how that's possible, but it is). So, how do I deal with this? I eat almonds and my roasted chickpeas and then there is Nutella. Now, for the record, I've never been a huge chocolate fan. It I did have chocolate, it was only becasue there were nuts and caramel under it....and sometimes a nugut filling, if I was lucky. But, as we all know by now, our taste buds change. Mine have decided that Nutella is now my PMS candy. I usually get about 5-10 pretzel stixs and 1tbs of Nutella (usually I can't finish this, but I want to ). I know this isn't something I shouldn't be eating but right now I don't care. It makes me less of a Bi_h. My husband would give me an IV of it if he could.

The worst part of all this is that I don't want to fall into old habits. So far I haven't gone out and gotten ice cream, a candy bar (king size), and some chips to eat in one sitting. Hey, don't judge, PMS is no joke and PMS after surgery is a horror movie with everyone waiting for the blood bath so that things can go back to normal. Ok, back on topic. I am so scared that I will that person that is bigger in two years than I was when I started this process. It scared me more than I even want to admit at times. I know by keeping that fear close to me, It should help me not make horrible food choices. I am hoping that next month I can have an apple and peanut butter, or some other type of fruit to stop the craving but until then, I am saying that the PMS made me do it. I know it's all a lie and I'm in charge of what goes in my body, but since I'm not my normal self right now, it is so much easier for me to blame the PMS than to get upset with myself. Because, to be honest even I don't want to deal with me while I'm PMSing...... didn't I tell you how bi__hy that person is?

Also, just an FYI. Fitnesspal.com is really helpful during this time of the month (it's good all month) as if I am honest and I put in everything I've put in my mouth to eat, I can see how just those little nibbles add up and what is causing me not to lose the weight I went through so much to loose. I wasn't completely honest with it yesterday...I mean how do you put in picking at my husband's dinner? It was the fist time I ate soemthing I didn't weigh. But, now I see the error of my weighs (pun intended). If I can't be honest with myself about what goes in my body how can I even think about loosing this weight? So, today I have been honest about what I have eaten. One good thing is that even though I am still PMSing, I refuse to go over my daily allowance of calories, so I am more aware of what goes in my mouth.

Now, before I get tons of comments about how I am on a slippery slope and what I've done is SOOOOOOO bad for me (STOP YOURSELF FROM TYPING THOSE THOUGHTS), I do know that I made a mistake...PMS or not....and I am working on changing my PMSY ways. However, I do not believe in depriving your body and if once a month I want to eat nutella two days a week, then I will. Trust me, I can't eat more than 1tbs a sitting so I know I won't overdose on the stuff.

Now, it's time to get back at making my husband's life hell. Good thing he loves me, becasue I think I would have left me by now. I know how bad I am being but I just can't help myself.....I mean it, I really can't stop it from happening. I feel the anger build up and the therapist in me says, "Ok Trish, don't say anything. You're not your normal self. Just let it go." and then the PMS person says, "SCREW YOU, THOUGHTS". Then I proceed to be mean. I can't wait for my body to get used to these hormones. No one should have to deal with me like this, especially the man I love and who must really love me or else he would have been gone last month when it happened. Hopefully today is the last day of the horror movie aka "PMS IN THE SHOCKLEY HOUSE" It's really draining being this mean and unhappy for this long.