Someone told me that I should keep track of my experiences, thoughts, success, etc. So here I am, writing about my life and kinda nervous about it.

Who am I?

I'm 36 years old, team lead of accounts payable for a large private company. I'm someone that you would view as successful and confident. but i'm not confident at all! I'm 334 lbs as of today at my doctor's. I've been overweight my entire life. Growing up you'd have viewed me as the pudgy kid that everyone liked. but somewhere around 4th grade that all changed. Whether it was the sudden need for glasses (and the subsequent non-stop teasing)....or the freaky way I found out my dad did drugs....I started to put on pounds quickly and never stopped. I became a loner, only associating with others that would be considered loners. Only one person stayed with me during all this, my best friend from 1st grade (and btw, we're still friends today). in junior high it got worse, i packed on the pounds faster. My uncle tried to rape me and I was trying to hide my body from all men in order for them to NOT want me. By College I was around 280lbs and a size 26. Four years later I was a size 30. Today i'm a size 34. I'm not confident at all! I hate the way my body looks....truth be told I hate everything about me (personally). I've struggled with depression all my life and it affects the way I view myself inside.

I have tried to lose weight every way possible. I've tried liquid diets, i've tried atkins, i've tried weight watchers, i've tried counting calories, you name it i've tried it. The most I ever lost was 20lbs and it came right back (and then some). Truth be told, I never truely wanted it more than I want it right now. But it's too late to do it on my own now. I need help! and the Sleeve is the tool I have chosen for myself. I did a lot of research and put a lot of thought into it. But I could never do this alone! Luckily I have a wonderful man in my life and he fully supports whatever decision I make. And since he lives with me he will be there to help me stay on track, etc.

You may be asking yourself (or maybe not) what made me finally decide to lose the weight once and for all. On March 7, 2008 my baby sister (at 20) died in a violent car accident. She was the sunshine of the family, the glue that kept us all together. Losing her almost killed me. I wound up in the hospital and discovered I was bipolar and finally got the help I needed. She was always the pudgy one in school but was popular. The last year of her life she was losing weight, joined the track team, was doing really well in school. She talked to me over and over about needing to get a grip on things and lose the weight. A week before her death mom and I got to see her in a track meet. she was awesome! (in our eyes....about average over all) the last thing I ever said to her was that I loved her and was proud of her, and with a hug we parted ways forever. When I finally got myself together I remember her gentle proding to start losing the weight. And i've tried to do just that ever since. I can just imagine her in the background, cheering me on, praising each little victory with me. You see by the time I got a grip I was up to 382lbs....now i'm 334! big difference right? I'm finally learning how I need to eat and how much i'm supposed to eat. and this surgery will just help me get that much further.

to do this surgery you have to have people behind you that will support you through the entire process. It doesn't have to be a lot of people, just ones that will sincerely be there along the way. for me that's my boyfriend, my best friend, and a handful of co-workers. Unfortunately that is NOT my family. It hurts me to think that they won't support me in this. because of their reaction I've stopped telling anyone else. my department at work has over 30 people in it. only 8 know. my parents know. Dad initially tried to change my mind the day that I hinted at it to them. he hasn't said a word since, just ignored it like it wasn't happening. Mom is actively trying to get me to NOT do this. My other sibling doesn't like it, but will support my decision....besides she's 3 hours away anyway. Mom is the one that told one of my aunts (who hasn't said a word) and my grandmother. After doing some research of her own my mother told my grandmother what she discovered about the risks and complications of the procedure. my grandmother called me balling her eyes out and BEGGING me NOT to do this. It was the hardest thing i've ever done to stick to my decision and talk through her fears. don't think it helped much though. since then my family just ignores it like it's the elephant in the room.

If I had a word of advice to anyone that's still thinking about doing the sleeve it would be to think Long and Hard about your decision. do the research, ask lots of questions, use this site (it's awesome!?!). but most of all....make sure you have some strong support. there will be people out there (like my family) that will actively try to change your mind....or come against you for doing (or have done) this. If you're not absolutely sure about your decision you will be in turmoil.

I'm telling you right now, if I didn't have my boyfriends support I would not be doing this. he is my strength. he helps me remember to let things go, think positively, etc etc. the exact opposite of me...lol. he's the love of my life and i'm awed to have such a great man in my life.

okay, guess i've talked long enough. I'm going to sign off. till next time.

*Hugs*