I'm tired today. I just finished with yet another dr.'s visit and I'm about sick of all of it already. My first foray into this whole weigh loss surgery deal has been somewhat unexpected. For years, I did not consider surgery. I've been around 300lbs give or take 25lbs for the last 5 years. I've been pretty stubborn about the fact that the surgery doesn't change the habits you need to live w/ in order to make permanent change. However, I'm also SERIOUSLY tired of carrying around a whole other person, it's not even a baby, it's like a full sized adult that never bother going to college and doesn't pay rent but eats me out of house! It was back in March that I first had the thought, it was after a good 18 months of trying diet after diet. I just turned 30 in April. I came to the realization that I know the trajectory I'm on and if I want to end this unhappy merry-go-round, I'm going to have to do something more permanent. Which brings me back to doctors....I still have 2 different appointments at least for testing. I also have an appointment w/ the nut. and a psych and a gp all in the next 2 weeks. The doctor's office I left today has recommended I go back to an endocrinologist because after not being on synthroid for 2 months (yes I know i'm a bad girl....i went from no insurance to nice insurance in 2 months....can we just let me get past the guilt trip please?). Apparently my tsh is 97.3, he's not happy, he says he only sees that in people who haven't taken meds for years.....I find this difficult to believe.

This winding little path I've just taken us on leads to my crankiness about going to yet another doctor. Yes I know it's necessary. Yes I know this is just a part of the deal. But for whatever reason I'm not scared of the surgery or the liquid diets, the hair loss, the lactose intolerance or anything else (not yet anyway). What is totally consuming me at the moment, is the worry about trying to keep my pto up. I get exactly 80 hours pto. So two weeks. And all these dr. visits are going to eventually take some of that. And I'll still need it for surgery. Since I technically just started this job (actually been there as a temp since Oct) I won't qualify for FMLA until next year. I'm already putting resumes out....yeah that's another story. Ok......ok now I'm starting to come down from my vent...whoooo ok. I'd also like to take this space to mention that I'm at home w/ my parents right now since the job doesn't really pay enough to be on my own. While there are some excellent reasons to be living at home, ie no drunk ass roommates, free rent, free car, etc....once I've made it clear my intention to do this thing my family has been less than enthusiastic in their support. This is difficult to live w/ on a daily basis because I need to talk about these things and when I do at home I don't get the reaction I'd like and it's just more friction.

I am serious about this and I don't think I'm going to change my mind, even w/ all the scary **** in these forums. I've found it a little easier to take on the changes my nut.'s asked me to, I think it's because I know this time I'm not just staring at a big empty void of failure. I don't think it's magical but I do think it would help with the obsession my mind has w/ being full. This lifestyle I'm starting, I hope and believe will continue and the surgery will make it more likely to be permanent. So I started changing things. After the first seminar I went to in April I haven't had any diet coke. This is huge, diet coke was all I drank...ever...I knew if I couldn't do that then the surgery would never be a go anyway. Today, it's straight water...every day and I'm surprisingly ok w/ that. I've also started going to the gym and gotten back into counting calories. I know I'm on the right track or at least i can see it from my house. Needless to say there's a whole lot on my mind. I've been obsessive about the forums of late, it's been wonderful looking at everyone's progress and that everyone's been extraordinarily helpful when anyone has a question.

And now since my brain's just about exploded in every direction it's possible to go in, I think it's time to get my broom and dust pan.