Tired Of The Games
I realize that I am very, very depressed. I have become so deconditioned and in enough pain, that I rarely leave my house any more. A lot of that has to do with no longer being able to eat anywhere but at home.
So I started the new job this week, and Wednesday night I was supposed to orient on graveyard shift. I packed myself a couple of pieces of rolled deli turkey for food (my usual standby) and went to work.
I don't know if it was the swapping onto night shift or what, but I spent almost the entire night with either heaving or with bright yellow loose stools (again! Why can't I kick this damn stuff!) in proximity to eating the turkey.
I feel like I'm a prisoner to my body.
It's like...just when I start feeling ok (I say ok, because I haven't felt GOOD since April, before surgery.), my body says, "There you go getting all uppity...let's knock you down a peg!" I'm so sick of it.
I wish I had spent more time reading threads on complications prior to surgery. Instead, I chose to believe these people who said they were out mowing their lawns with push-mowers at 3 days post op. Hell, I've been off work for 7 weeks and I couldn't survive one shift...which was substantially less hours than what I normally worked! I feel like such a failure.
I guess what I'm struggling with is feeling like a failure. I'm an intensely private person, so I haven't shared what's going through my head with many people. But I keep getting the "just wait, it will get better" or...the thinly veiled implication that I'm doing something wrong and they don't want me crapping in their Wheaties. Well, I'm sorry to piss on your rainbow! I wish I COULD be that woman who was eating a whole Chalupa at 3 weeks post op, but I'm not. I've had to be in the hospital 3 times since surgery (albeit two of those were for IV rehydration and were ER only visits). I've had 3 separate consulting surgeons tell me that my sleeve is ridiculously tight and that I need surgical correction, or I'll end up malnourished and chronically dehydrated. I feel like this surgery was possibly the worst decision of my life...and being I've been married 3 times, that's saying a lot!
I'm just getting to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone about this at all, because I just can't take the negative right now. I don't have health insurance, so no councelling in the near future for me. I just can't wait for this all to end.
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