Ok, first blog was me venting and in a very bad negative space. I know have a date and a non negative husband. I have decided not to tell anyone in my family because they will just make me go off and never speak to them again. People that are close to their family does not understand how a person can stop talking to family. Well, for the people that are not close to family- I know you feel me. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but the minute I tell them something that will better myself, the only positive person of course is my mom. But she can't hold water, so she is in the dark too.

Anyway..... negative family is another blog. Now I would like to talk about the date of my new beginning, June 4th!!!!! Everytime I think about it, I get this big nervousness in my stomach. I have never had major surgery. And I am not good with pain. I have read horrible stories and I know that the majority of the problems that will arise after the surgery will be your fault if you do not follow your doc orders. If you know you are not supposed to eat or drink this.. then why do you do it.

All last week I kept thinking about food I am going to miss. My mexican food, my margaritas, my juicy steaks, my royal burger from red robin, my cookie dough ice cream from baskin robins. I thought about all that then I stood up. I felt the pain in my knees and my feet. I saw the yeast that is developing in my rolls and under my size 46 F breast that are pointing to my toes. I looked at the marks between my thighs from the rubbing together. I thought about my husband not holding me in bed because i have to sleep close to my cpap. I look at my fat fingers that won't let me take my ring off. If I take it off, I can't put it back on. I think about me playing basketball with my daughter and having to stop in the first 15 minutes because I am out of breathe. I look at a dest full of medicine and I am only 34 years old. I look at that damn cpap machine that is ruining my sex life and cuddle time. I think about how my husband will get up and go in the next room because of my snoring when I don't wear the cpap. I think about the smell coming between my legs because of the sweat of my overlaping belly covering my va-ga ga. I think about having to ask for seat belt extensions when I have to fly. I think about no one wanting to room with the fat girl at conferences with my job. I think about crying in the dressing room when I go shoppping. I think about me not swimming (something that I love to do) because I don't like how I look in a bathing suit.

So... when I think of those things and could give a damn about the food I am going to miss. The food and my laziness when it comes to exercising and my yo yo dieting are the reasons why I am getting this surgery anyway.

I get scared with I think about the long term complications because no one really knows the long term complications. I would like to talk to 10 to 20 years post op people. I have read blogs from 5 years out, some wish they never did it, some are so happy they have a life now. I want to be the person who is 60 and looking damn fine and feeling fine as well. I don't want to be the woman with so many complications from WLS that she still can't do anything with her husband or daughter. The good outweighs the bad, but I am constantly thinking about the bad now. Is that normal?

I have to go. I am getting my MBA online at the University of Phoenix and I have a paper to do. But these are my thoughts. Just wanted to share with everyone.

Please have me in your prayers. That I have the strength to do what I need to do to stay healthy. That I have the love and the support I need to stay positive. And that I have a safe surgery.

Thanks and many blessings to all

Lay-Lay