So I'm playing the game that I hate. It's "up a lb, down a lb" which is followed by "up a half lb., down a half lb" in my life. Does anyone else experience this? I think I'm cursed. I swear all I see is people losing more weight and I compare myself. Then I think "hello stop your whining you durn cry baby." lol... just being honest.

Here's the deal tho... I'm 10 weeks out and after receiving one of two hospital bills for my complications (I had aspriation pneumonia and a leak/abscess after my surgery, then revised surgery)... I'm just really wondering if this was worth it. Don't get me wrong, I know it was but.... if I knew then, what I knew now of my experience... would I still do it? In all undue honesty, yes, probably so. I've been fat since I was about 6 months old. Seriously, I have pix, I should scan them and post them. Not that anyone reads my posts Ok rambling, I just feel lonely in this journey and I'm a bit lost. I don't have a NUT, right now I can't afford one, my new insurance plan doesn't go into affect until June 1.... maybe I'm stuck in pity party central mode tonight, my apologies. Writing is supposed to help, heck how I used to cope isn't an option anymore (hello carbs and sweets, remember those days?).

I just wish I could let the worry over all of this go. It's made me feel more anxious than ever and I was craving a big ol' cookie today, so I indulged... too much but it's logged into myfitnesspal dag nab it! But how do I cope with this? IDK... I went to the gym and that's helped some. Otherwise, I type in a journal here (which reads like a bunch of mess that no one reads, damn pity party again grrr). Who else can I talk to about this? Honestly there are very few here that I've spoken to and surely my biatching rambling session is running the rest off. Sigh....

Well SHOULD anyone read this, and IF you do pray, even if you don't know me... please say a prayer for me. I'm being super hard on myself, worrying too much and looking at a few things that are stressing me out seriously (money being the top worry). I'm attempting to fight the demons that got me in this mess with weight as it is, I don't really need more items to push me into failure - I'm struggling enough playing the up/down game enough as is, aren't I? I don't want to be "undone" after having gone through all of this.....

Signed,

Not the super sleever poster child of positivity

... my apologies.... Pity party is officially over on 5/19, I swear!