I have decided to actually do a journal on here, and not use my blogger for a change. I am still hopeful about getting sleeved, even though at times it does not seem like it is suppose to happen for me. I often question God as to why.. but I'm sure there is a reason it's taking so long. I still say "When I sleeved" instead of "If I get sleeved" I am hopeful.

I did go to state appointed dr. yesterday. That was a trip I'll remember for the rest of my life probably. He was a grumpy old man, probably around 90 years old, and should retire. He was one of those blunt and honest drs. I probably wasn't in the office for more than 5 mins before he just came out and asked.. "Why are you so overweight, why are you so fat? Do you eat too much"? Now six months ago I probably would have cried my eyes out, and that would have broke my heart, and while it was rude as can be, it's not like I don't know I'm overweight. I mean I know. I feel it. I feel it in my muscles, my legs, my arms, my everything. I KNOW I'm overweight (and I'm here seeking guidance, an education on getting the sleeve). I still didn't know how to react to the question though, because I thought I was there to get me help, not beat me down. After not answering him, because I didn't know how, he asks me if I have mental problems, and that's why I'm not replying to him, and rudely let me know that time is running out, he wants to get this done quickly. I never did answer him. He did ask me why I didn't have surgery for my weight issue. I replied.. well you need money, and I do not have the money at this time for the surgery. It's something I am seeking. He really didn't examine me much. Mostly asked questions. However, at the end of the appt. he listened to my heart, and his reaction to my heart was enough to scare me, and have my mom crying her eyes out. The look on his face was scary.. he was dumbfounded that my family doc. has never had my heart checked, and he let me know that the weight has to come off sooner or later or I'm in trouble. I'm basically a ticking time bomb. Scary, it had me in tears.

So.. here I am. Unable to work due to my weight, so I have no insurance. I'm ready to have 50 million garage sales, and fundraisers to help me (however I have learned that people are not to hip on donating money to WLS). My parents talked about helping me out, getting loan. My dad figured that if he and my mom would stop smoking, they could easily pay off a loan within 2 to 3 years! That's a lot of smoking. I think it's an awesome idea! Not only would they be saving my life, but their own life too. It was mentioned once, and that's it. Needless to say my parents are still smoking,and now we are all ticking time bombs.

I really wish a door would just open, and I could get the help for this surgery!