So I was watching one of my latest silly indulgences on t.v. last night, The Client List. The long and short of it is that due to my job I am on conf calls during the day and during my time in recovering and working from home, in between calls I got 'into' Ghost Whisperer. Hey it was either that or the food network and I get rather tired of watching all of the bad foods that Guy Fieri eats. Jeesh I wonder if that man works out. I wonder what his cholesterol is... woops so I digress.... Actually I watched a few episodes of the Ghost Whisperer before - at my mom in law's whenever we visit Louisiana, but the point is, whenever I have time on my hands... the t.v. usually gets turned on whenever I get bored and don't have alot of time to run here or there.

So in watching the Client List last night, in between commercials I would type on a blog entry and finally I posted. Now where that thing went? No idea. LOL How weird.

Anywho, my husband moved the scale. Someone told me that it was a 'successful tip' in the WLS journey that she heard in a support group to put the scale in the kitchen. Whenever mine is in my kitchen, I use it wayyyy too much. Hubby got it last night for me from upstairs (bless that man, he does spoil me, I know) as we've agreed that once a week I can 'weigh in.' So after my silly indulgence went off, I did weigh in. Grrr. I'm still at 202.5. I go up a lb., down a lb, up a 1/2 a lb, down a 1/2 a lb. I'm trying to keep up myfitnesspal and figure out where I'm going wrong, as I believe I'm in stall 1 pattern, but it's frustrating.

This morning, we forgot to move the scale back upstairs (woops) so immediately, instead of my moving it, I thought ok let's see what I weigh first thing this morning. Well, woo hooo, it said 199.5. Now as much variation as that was from last night, I usually don't count it but dag nab it I'm making an exception this go around! lol.... I have so wanted to be below 200 since I was so close. I know it's foolish... I SHOULD be thankful for each lb that I no longer carry, instead I look to what else I have to lose, what sag my skin might be starting to do, etc etc. Isn't that part of what got us all into this issue? Trying to be perfect, then we can't and get disappointed and use food for solace? IDK but I'm trying to figure out what my "issues" (or rather, triggers) were to get me here so that I can get rid of the little buggers so once I get to 140 or 150 as I plan NOT to be coming back to the 200's. (Or so I pray.) I honestly am scared. Scared of failure, scared of success and then failing a year or two later, scared of possible stricture more than anything, scared that my triggers will overcome me and I will lose control - especially after all of the complications and money I've spent on this for that to happen, that I will be judged as foolish. But more than anything, I'm scared of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. I just want to be successful in this WLS journey, or so I pray. As for the possible stricture that my dr's nurse and I have been discussing - I honestly think I was eating too fast. I have since eaten ritz crackers and that laughing cow light cheese, slowwwwwly eaten them and no issues. I have a follow up with my dr. on the 7th of June, so I'm monitoring it until then. If you pray, pls include me in yours. My son's already said "mama, will you have to go back to the hospital?" and he sounded scared too, but his wasn't the trigger monster.... and I don't want him scared for certain.

Since I feel like I can't write (I used to be able to put words together better where I expressed myself well and now I'm rambling and not sure how much sense all of these things come into my head at once), I'm going to turn to an entry in "Small Bites" from Katie Jay again... I just opened the book to this one and I think it relates to what I was saying previously.......

Respect your triggers

Once on the road to recovery, you may feel that you can handle more temptations. Maybe let your son buy chips at the store, maybe you eat out more at restaurants lately, maybe you offered to bake something to bring to a party - something you know will trigger food cravings in you? Sometimes you can handle more temptations. And sometimes allowing your food triggers to creep back into your life is a recipe for disaster.

Your triggers are a part of you and must be acknowledged and respected. Obesity is a deadly disease, and you have it, whether you are thin or heavy. It's time to gently tell yourself, "No." There are some foods you just can't be around safely. Staying away from a trigger food is a one-day-at-a-time challenge. YOU CAN DO IT!

Make a list of your trigger foods. Are any of them in your house? Get rid of them and keep them out of the house.... before you realize you gained 10 lbs.

You know I got so caught up in all of the diagnostic tests, getting those done and then scheduling surgery and the excitement for all of that, now the process of going back through the food phases... what are my trigger foods and my other triggers beyond foods? I challenge us all to do what this entry says... make a list of your triggers. Not only foods, but what triggers you (or triggered you prior to surgery) to eat and self medicate with food? What foods bring that out in you? What situatons? What issues?

IDK why this is so hard for me to sit down and document.... so here's what I ramble and know so far: Whenever I get anxious or nervous, I get hungry. I have felt like a dork most of my life. I have years of instances where my family told me I was worthless. Somewhere, food helped me deal with that. And it's sweets and bread and pasta mostly that I turned to (oh my Grannie's spaghetti rocked ok? lol). Yes, everything carbs! But aren't carbs the food encouragers of the serotonin levels increasing after you eat? (serotonin - the 'feel good' high I mean) It's time to identify what those triggers are - the foods AND the situations. I never thought of this (or took the time to really stop and deal with it) prior to surgery. This part isn't easy. But I want to do this ... I WANT to be successful in keeping this weight off - and being healthy. I don't want my son to be scared that his mother's health might take her away, I saw it in his eyes the other day. And I know how that loss can't ever been filled whenever you lose your parents (especially my mother). I want to be around long after my parents were - after my 50's and 60's (esply since I had my son at age 30). I don't want a trigger (just like on a gun) taking me out prematurely. No food is worth that, no (maladaptive) coping mechanism. At least that's how I feel... how about you?

Good luck to you all and thank you for your time in reading my ramblings! Beware the trigger monster!!!!! xoxo