Ok I feel like rambling and IDK why. It's usually whenever I'm upset and IDK that I am upset.... worried still, story of my life.

I've had ppl tell me I'm too quickly going back to the gym on the elliptical and that's heavy in my mind tonight. I went again tonight, yes, I know..... but I did two miles on the elliptical and one mile on the treadmill (level 7 incline, boo yeah!). But am I pushing myself too much too soon?

Should you say yes, I won't tell you that I cleaned out my car for about 1.5 hours after the gym... and I **** and span cleaned it out ... every nook and cranny! I love a clean ride... they are so few and far between since I had a kiddo. Yes, I'm old fashioned hand detailed which means I do it myself. Oops that has to be activity... I didn't put that in fitnesspal yet... brb.

I get on the scale and think I've gone up a 1/2 lb. Better than with my gym shoes on, then it was 1.5 I think. I've been doing myfitnesspal for the last um 3 days, as I was encouraged to do so, but no friends. Wish I had some to tell me 'try this' or something. But you know I've been on here for a brief minute and how many "friends" do I have? {Sidebar: Thank you Janneth! You've pulled me out of my shell a bit! It's honestly hard for me... thank you!} Otherwise, I just think I'm no longer good with people. Idk if it was the fat or if it was the death or my sister and brother after my parents death and those experiences (oh jeesh no boo hoos but I'm just say'n the facts or possibilities). For a long time I lost myself in a stupid game on a social site. Even more out of the real world. That's changed recently but I still feel like a social moron. Then that relates to my job. And since I work as a contractor and possibly soon my contract might be ending, well, I worry......

Something, somewhere in me, I've lost my confidence since I had this leak/abscess. I'm scared, still. I pray every day, about 4 times a day "please God let the leak be healed up and I never go back to the hospital." Maybe I just need something else to obsess on... which brings me back to the gym. Is that it? I AM bored, trying to figure out what now - or is that just life in general? For a while in my life, I felt like I was in the palm of God's hand. Somewhere I don't feel that like I did before. Have I done something wrong or am I just nutzo?

Oh my this is depressing. My apologies. I just am in a weird mood. Not a funk, but just overanalyzing and thinking about the future and goals. Worried that the penduluum swung to great and I'm swinging back to the other side, where I'm generally more familiar. I am hoping that I can meet and/or exceed the few goals that I do have in mind at this time, but hoping that I find some other ones for my career and life in the meantime. (do we all just get blah in life sometimes? i'm 38, perhaps that's normal once your kids get to a certain age? yes, rambling, sorry...)

Hope you guys are having an amazing week! Truly, sincerely ... with hugs.