Haven't blogged for a while - ten days til I go for surgery. I am so scared. So very scared. Roosavelt said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"...well I am fearful of it!

You know the thing I am most afraid of? The lack of energy and the pain. My little one has just started teething and I am sad that I wont be able to pick her up in the night and give her a cuddle.

I still havent told my mum - she thinks that it is an extreme method and to be honest I am so scared of telling her. I still feel like a failure.

My husband on the other hand is fully on board - I am usually the really strong one and to be honest, it is pissing me off that I am feeling so weak. I am so very tired too - trying to get this dissertation done; reports to write; department head stuff to do then a spring break of pain from this surgery.

Is it going to be worth it? My friends wanted to throw me a food funeral - I just dont feel up to it - I am trying desperately to look at this as a beginning, not an ending. I am forever in the positive - I deal with people's **** so much every day. And today I just feel like telling everyone to F&*k off...I think I am due for my period which does not help matters - neither does the 3 hours sleep that I am surviving on.

I keep having bad dreams that the anaesthetic wont work. I am scared of being alone. Still, I know that this surgery will be worth it in the end. I just hate having to pass through the darkness to get to the light.

You know, we have a different mentality, us addicts. Sometimes I think on the verge of insanity...or is it genius? I know that there is a fine line twixt the two!

Am I just being swept into the moment cos so many others around me have done it? Are we going to be ok? A friend of mine, who recently had the surgery said "What if they find out that we really need that part of the stomach one day?" (Eww...my Omega 3 oil has just popped in my stomach and I can taste salmon oil...lol)

What about God? Or in my case, Allah? Well, as far as I am concerned, God is God is God, no matter how you choose to connect with Him/Her/It...Do you think he is going to be pissed off with me for removing some of my body?

Arrrgghhh!! thoughts are everywhere!!!