I have never before kept a blog or chosen a 'screen name', or for that matter, consistently kept a journal. As I begin this journey into a healthier future with Sleeve Gastrectomy, I have been strongly encouraged by a friend to put things in writing, seek support from an experienced community, and to offer support to others, as I do in my every-day world.

I am 43 years old, happily single, and 250 lbs. I am also an open book, or so I thought, with friends and family... always speaking my truth with kindness and compassion, to seek understanding and support, and to offer the same in return. I've read in several places (or viewed on vlogs) that some people have lost friends through this process, and aside from possible hair loss, that scared me the most. Craziness, I know. So, I have chosen to tell my friends about my research and my hope for changing my life and future. I have been surprised by my emotions as I enlighten those who have always seen me as a ray of sunshine, about the darkness I carry and have not shared. When they have not known my suffering, how could they understand my choice to expose myself to risk through surgery? So. What does my darkness look like? I'm sure many of us share some of these broken pieces...

When I was 12 and put on puberty pounds, I recall my mother saying to me: "You'd better be careful, or you'll be fat like your father." I cannot recall my weight or size at that age, but it was just the beginning. I thinned out in Jr. High as we walked to school every day, then gained again in High School. The words from my mother that I recall in the car one day were: "No man wants to marry a fat woman." I still don't remember numbers, but I'm pretty sure I never got above a size 12 or 14 in High School. I did Weight Watchers at age 18 and got into a size 10 pair of Coca-Cola jeans, which was a huge accomplishment. A friend showed me a photo from that time when we were in our 20's, and I realized that the girl in that photo absolutely believed that she was fat and ugly. In the first few years of my 20's I gained 20 lbs a year, and got up to a size 22 (all while trying and re-trying Weight Watchers, Jazzercise, etc.). I remember thinking about that picture, that I wished I could be that fat now.

In the last twenty years, I've been no lower than 220 and probably higher than 270 (there was a period when I didn't weigh myself every day, believe it or not) - between size 18 and 22. During that time, I realized that I loathed myself when I was a size 10, and that I had the choice to do the same at size 20... or I could decide to love myself exactly as I am. I worked with a therapist specializing in Harville Hendrix Imago Therapy, made a list of the negative words that played over and over in my head - realized that my mother did not intend to hurt me, and that in my late 30's I had to take responsibility for the voice... and so I reprogrammed. I chose never to say to myself something I would not say to another human being. If a negative word was uttered, even in my mind, I would have to replace it with something loving and kind. I was quite successful with my reprogramming of 2005. And after losing 38 lbs with Weight Watchers (again), I felt quite happy with my curves at size 18. I was triumphant! I wondered... how might my world have been different if my mom had said: You are perfect... exactly as you are? Another AHA moment was while watching "What the Bleep do we Know?" and seeing the water study. A Japanese scientist placed water from the same source into multiple bottles marked with different thoughts: I love you. Thank you. I hate you. I will kill you. Others were invited to view and read the bottles, then drops of that water were placed on a frozen slide and the positive thoughts were crystalline, like snowflakes, and the negative thoughts were discolored and sludge-like. The question was stated: "If our thoughts can do this to water... and we are 80% water... what are our thoughts doing to us?" WOW! That was life altering for me. I had been standing in front of a mirror for 25 years telling myself I was fat and ugly (talk about manifestation). I would be horrified if I knew a child I love was doing this to themselves.

I have not let my weight stop me from traveling, which is my passion... but much of my darkness is wrapped in the memories of sacred journeys. At around 100 lbs heavier than most of my friends, I have felt like a burden, as we climbed one mile from 6,000 ft to 7,000 ft in Colorado... and a friend acted as my sherpa, staying behind with me as we climbed and our other friends went ahead. When I reached the top and saw the water gushing from 'Spouting Rock', I lay upon a nearby boulder and sobbed... every step I took going up that mountain was not in triumph... but in heartbreaking shame. In 2008, I went by myself to Ireland. I had looked forward to Skellig Michael, where at the top of 620 steps, in the middle of the ocean, was a 6th century monastery with beehive huts. My friend even bought me a pair of leiki poles for the journey. When I was finally at the base of that rock... I looked up and decided I just couldn't do it. The tour guide came back for me and said: "Wasn't this your dream?" And so I did follow, and though he could have gone up and down those stairs as I struggled to get to the top, he stayed with me until another woman on the tour took over. I wouldn't have done it without the encouragement of others, and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. And yet... every step I took was in shame. In 2010, I went to England and there were many magickal sites to see in Glastonbury and Cornwall. But this time, I was in my 40's... and I carried the same shame, but with a little more fear. In 2011, I went to Scotland... and though the hikes were not as steep, I was still the one left behind... I was 30 lbs heavier, so my body hurt in each bed, and I panted to get up the stairs, and my feet and ankles were severely swollen on the trip home.

In 2011, I went from 250 lbs to 267 in a matter of weeks. I had planned a return to Ireland, but decided I just couldn't do it at this age and at this weight, and so I cancelled my plans. It was about this time that a friend told me about Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. And, so... this is where my new story begins.

Wishing you love, light, and laughter on your own journey to wellness, ShapeShifter