Well,

I'm here, in Dubai, teaching, living, married with a beautiful baby girl and waiting...until Saturday at 7pm when I meet with a potential surgeon. He comes highly recommended from a colleague and friend who went to him six months ago and has gone from a size 20 to a size 8...I dont even think I was ever that size...maybe when I was 6????

I have always struggled with my weight - since the age of 4...and then used food as comfort and a form of escapism from my despotic stepfather and his incessant obsession with my size...then he decided to shove me off to boarding school, where I was bullied yet again for being different (raised in Hong Kong and not with all the English middle class twits, and also for being more rotund than the rest of them). But we digress...bitching over.

So, I go through all the psychological nonsense that I am sure most of us go through - food relationships, fear of lying on the slab, the release of living to eat...I choose not to sit on the fence for too long. Once I see this consultatant, I will make my decision. It is either for me or it isn't. But so far, I think it is - granted I am FULL OF FEAR and dread, but I think I will do it.

I am scared of telling my mum - and the fact that I may not be able to lift my baby Safia for a while. I am trying to dissipate my 'need of approval' - such a nasty little disease. I am doing well with my weight so far - I have gone from 129kg to 115kg by controlled portions and exercise alone. So I know that my mum will be like "...but you are doing so well without the surgery!" Yes, I am doing well...but I feel the need to do more, to make it more permanent. Granted I know that my stomach can re-stretch but after spending such a HEEEYOOOGE amount of money on this project, I would not dare it to!

I have so much going on right now - I am a wife, mother, teacher, department head and I am also doing my dissertation to complete my masters...it is tough. Also, being married to a non Brit has its challenges. I love my husband very much but he hates it here and sometimes it affects us. Still, we both have jobs and our lifestyle isnt too bad.

I am fed up of feeling hungry - not for food, for life! I want to be able to dance again properly - I used to be **** hot! I want to be able have sex and not struggle with positions and climaxes! I want to be able to shop in normal stores for beautiful, petite things and not have to find the plus size section. I want to live a long time for my daughter (this of course comes before ANYTHING ELSE).

So, lets see what happens on Saturday. Pray for me as I will pray for all of you. Questions? Comments? Go right ahead! Sending love and light to everyone xx