So, while I know better than to live life by the scale, I did buy one. I owned one previously, but I just moved and I can't find a damned thing. I figured it was probably time for a new one anyway. So I did a little research to find a nice and accurate one. I stepped on the scale and wasn't surprised really - wel, I thought it might have said a higher number than it did with the holidays, etc - although I didn't really indulge. But I haven't exactly been on my best behavior since moving here - a lot of eating out since...well...I can't find anything! Nah - we got the kitchen mostly figured out now - I've been sick for about 4 of the 6 weeks I've been here though, so its been more takeout than it should have been.

Anyway - no excuses any longer. I have my grocery list for tonight. I've stocked up for post-op, have protein shakes ordered. I have 3 weeks to go before surgery, so I'm going to start this now. Because i don't believe in weighing in other than first thing in the morning. I will start with tomorrow morning. I know I'll have some ups and downs - I'm dealing with that "monthly" visitor coming twice every 5 weeks - lemme tell ya. Its NOT fun. I can't wait till all this is over and I can convince a doc to just take out everything that doesn't work.

That's kinda my whole deal on deciding on the sleeve. If its not working for me, why keep it? I don't want to reroute anything - I don't feel comfortable with that. I want to be a runner again and that means being able to eat foods that don't necessarily work with a bypass. Not really comfortable with the whole plumbing change anyway - someone put a lot of thought into the initial design- I'm going for the remodel The band was originally my first choice when I hit 260 lbs. But then I couldn't get approval and the weight just kept piling on. When my doctor told me that there really wasn't anything I could do about it until I got treatment for the steroid tumors, I was really quite depressed and didn't help the situation by not paying much attention to what I ate. I mean, really - what's the point? I could eat lettuce all day and I would still gain weight because of the tumors - why not have cheesecake....for lunch. Yup, I definitely deserve the assist on this one. And I've come to terms with that. And I have now forgiven myself for not being more in control of something I could partially control. I've always been so "all or nothing".

I've tried so many times to get to the OR and every single time someone else has pulled the rug out from under me. I didn't sabotage myself in those instances. Well, one time I did walk away because I was NOT comfortable with the surgeon or the technique, but I think that was for the better. Definitely a plus to me. The other times, I got "not medically necessary" from an insurance company that obviously doesn't understand medical necessity (although, for one of those I was glad - because I was trying for the band - glad I didn't get it) The other times were due to insurance loss. I lost my job and so did my husband - we paid COBRA for his insurance and his company didn't process it correctly so we missed the deadline for the insurance to be valid - they kept the money - I nearly killed someone. The next time, I was going through the process and the company I worked for changed insurance and it was no longer covered. The last one was prime tho. I had pretty good insurance. I had to wait a certain amount of time because I had a tumor (non-cancerous) removed from my breast. I finally found a great surgeon I liked. Got all the preop stuff out of the way. Got my surgery date. It was in 4 weeks! Soooooo excited! Then I got a bill in the mail because my company had stopped paying my insurance premiums without telling me. Then the company folded and not only did I lose my insurance, but my husband and I lost 15 THOUSAND dollars in payroll/invoices owed to us. We both worked for the same company. So not only did I not have any insurance, I certainly didn't have the money to pay for the surgery out of pocket, or the bills that I had acquired up til then. Now I'm suing that company.

BUT! We moved halfway across the country, I'm working for myself, my husband has a GREAT job with really CRAPPY insurance. But I can self-pay in Mexico. That's why I feel in control now

So while the weigh ins start tomorrow, the crap eating has already stopped. I mean, I haven't ate really crappy in a long time. But it'll be even better now. I'm officially pre-op. Gotta do this right!