(Don't read this if the mention of food triggers you...)

Tomorrow, I will be 9 weeks post op. I've experienced a lot of ups and downs since getting the surgery...

Right now, I'm under a LOT of pressure. One of my best friends is getting married in February, and instead of getting measured for my dress in person, I told them to order my dress in size 10! Mind you, I began my journey at size 16/18.

I expected that by next February, I would be at least 45 lbs lighter than my pre-surgery weight; and in the past, I wore a size 10 at that weight. So I'm really worried about screwing up things by not being able to fit in the dress.

Of course, whenever I feel stressed, my inner saboteur emerges. I've tested the limits of my sleeve in astonishing ways. I'm ashamed that I reverted to certain behaviors so soon after surgery. For many days, I've felt like a complete failure--like I had myself chopped up for no reason.

I learned that my sleeve can tolerate just about anything. Prior to surgery, I was hoping it would stop me from eating most foods, especially the ones I like. Unfortunately, that is not the case. The one thing I haven't tried yet is bread, but I've tried pies, desserts, ice cream, and even pasta!

After feeling sorry for myself for a few days, I decided to pick myself up and try again. Unlike before surgery, the damage from my trysts with junk food was minimal--although I'm sure my momentum was thrown off quite a bit.

The first thing I had to do was hide my scale for a while. For some reason, I get thrown off--regardless of what the scale says, good or bad. So I took a break from the scale.

Secondly, I had to remind myself that everyone warned that WLS required work. People worked their butts off to get to goal. It wasn't going to come easy. So with that in mind, I've cleaned up my act. It's only been a few days, but I feel really motivated and I'm avoiding traps that have taken me off track in the past.

The thing is, I know I'm impatient, but the popular way of eating to get the goal around here didn't seem to be working for me (Atkins style eating with 60g protein/less than 30g of carbs). Maybe I just needed to give it a few days, but the stalls sent me spiraling out of control. I ended up having to modify my plan to low calorie, low fat, low carb, high protein. I know that way of eating is controversial, but it works for me and I'm taking the proper precautions (potassium supplement every few days, vitamins, and plenty of fluids). I hate that it feels like I'm on another crazy diet, but at the same time, it takes a lot just to get in the little bit that I eat. I couldn't eat more even if I wanted to while on this plan (for me it's an either or thing---either I'm all on plan, or completely off with no concerns for protein intake).

At some point soon, I will have to get counseling. I've been putting it off. The woman I want to see is also a hypnotherapist... I don't think counseling alone will be enough.

OK, I'm done blabbing for now!