OK, so tonight as I was settling in upstairs, I turned on the news and they were covering a plane crash at an air show. I guess it got to me, because I began to feel anxiety about the upcoming flight to San Diego for my sleeve surgery. The part that bothers me is that my sister is coming too, so it wouldn't just be me. She has a son too, so both of our boys would be without moms if anything bad happened .

Before that, I was downstairs with my baby and "fiance." He has been acting really different ever since I told him I was doing the surgery whether he liked it or not. He's trying to eat healthy all of a sudden, and it seems like he's being a lot nicer because I guess he knows what I'll look like if my VSG is a success... (yes, I do feel somewhat resentful about our situation but that's another story)...

But... what if it isn't a success?

What if I don't lose weight? What if the loss is really really slow and everyone piles on with criticism about what a bad decision I made? Now that he and everyone knows what I'm doing, it adds to my pressure to succeed. But, unfortunately, I don't do well under pressure. At least I can't do what I used to do and eat my way back up the moment I'm discouraged.

Other fears:

I read a shocking statistic: The mortality rate for gastric surgery is 1 in 200!!! The article I read said the risk increased the heavier the person is due to blood clots. I'm not too heavy, but I will be on a 4.5 hour plane ride a few days after surgery. I guess I need to sit near the bathroom so I can walk around as much as possible on the flight.

I guess now that my surgery date is set (October 8th), I'm starting to do my usual fight or flight/self sabotage routine. I haven't sent off my deposit check yet, but I did pay $800 for our plane tickets. I told myself I'm going to give myself the weekend to really be sure I want to go through with this. I'm 99.99% sure that I'll send off the deposit on Monday.