if i had the cash RIGHT NOW, i would have made my appointment and gone. i started off curious, then i went into information overload and panicked. now i feel strong, confident and ANXIOUS as all get out!!!

at night i lay in bed and fantasize about being skinny again. see, i've always been heavy. i remember when i was in the 5th grade they weighed us in front of all our peers. i weighed 125 and was MORTIFIED. i, at 12, out weighed my mom when she was 9 months pregnant with me! (she weighed 115lbs.)

in high school, i went to an arts school where i didn't have to deal with a lot of the crap 'normal' high schoolers went through with popular cliques and cheerleaders, etc. so it didn't really bother me that i was so heavy... i was judged based on my talent, not my looks.

but after high school is when i really started getting bummed about my weight. my best friends were all knock-outs. i was the fat friend. i let myself simmer in my misery until 2000. i was going to go to europe for a month and did not want to be fat in my pictures! i busted my rump dieting and exercising and lost 30lbs... i was 170 and felt like i looked AMAZING. but when my friend's grandmother said that maybe i wouldn't weigh so much if i didn't eat so much cake (i had ONE piece after dinner!!!) i was crushed.

when i got home, i kicked off a diet exercise program like a mad woman. but i was doing it in a very unhealthy way - for breakfast i would have a cup of coffee blended with ice, for lunch i would have the same thing. for dinner i would have a bowl of cereal or a tiny piece of chicken. after a few days i would be SO HUNGRY that i would binge eat, then punish myself for a few days afterwards by eating nothing but dry cereal. i was at the gym around 2 hours 5x a week. i was exhausted all the time and my hair was falling out. but i was losing weight!

i got down to 130lbs and a size 6. even though looking back i realize i was smokin' hot, all i could focus on was getting down to 100lbs - what my mom weighs. i was miserable all the time, but then i fell in love.

we went out to eat all the time and i gained 25lbs in 6 months. when i got too heavy for his motorcycle we broke up.

my rebound guy ended up being the love of my life and my husband! for the first time in my life i was blissfully happy... and the weight piled on. at first i didn't care. my hair was thick and beautiful, my nails were long, i wasn't exhausted all the time and i could EAT.

but... then i started not being happy with my clothes not fitting and the way people would look at me... sex started being less and less in frequency. then i hit plus size again and i realized i had to do something.

but i couldn't lose like i did before. i couldn't abuse my body and i also had a husband to cook for.

i overhauled my entire diet... i stopped eating red meat and dairy. i only ate whole grains. blah blah blah. i even joined weight watchers. but... i lost 15lbs and nothing more. in 5 months!!!

that's when i decided to research weight loss surgery and discovered lap band.

for the first time in a long time i have hope. i want to have babies and be hot again! i want to make my husband proud to have me on his arm.

hubby is totally supportive of me getting the surgery. he knows that once i lose the weight, i can get a job bartending (i bartended when i was skinny and made FABULOUS money)(vegas, baby!) in a big name strip casino (i have connections... yey for juice!) and we won't have to worry about money again. of course we have to figure out how to pay for it right now... we are looking into a home equity line of credit but i don't want to wait that long!!! he has freakishly good credit so i'm trying to talk him into getting a surgery loan for me... then we can use the home equity line of credit to pay it off.

i want my life back! i'm so excited... and READY!

so. that's my first entry into my lap band journal. :clap2: