I'm not sure if anyone will read this, but I don't really care- I need a place to write down and journal my everyday experiences as a new, and ultimately permanent, VSG patient.

Day 9 is better. I have felt like myself since about day 5. I've been going to work since Monday, 4 days after surgery. I think this was a smart idea because it keeps me busy and I don't have time to sit around and think about my decision. I have found myself questioning the significance of having this surgery. It is PERMANENT and that is terrifying to me. I can't go back to my old lifestyle. I think and dream about all of my favorite foods that I ultimately cannot fully enjoy anymore. I told my friend the other day that I enjoy eating food and that I enjoy eating A LOT of food. It makes me happy. Unfortunately, I don't have this safety net anymore. I decided somewhere in my mind that being skinny and healthy was more important than enjoying large amounts of food. I am currently having this debate in my head, even though my decision is permanent and I can never go back to eating large quantities ever again. I'm excited about the prospect of eating real food again in a few weeks. I already know the first thing I'm going to have and drool just thinking about it.

I feel silly, walking around with only a piece of my stomach left. Like I made some kind of material, superficial decision and abused my body for ridiculous reasons. Could I have lost all the weight on my own? Probably. Would the process have been long, defeating, excruciating, and depressing? Probably. Would I have gained the weight back? Yes, probably, especially since I like food.

And now I'm sad because I want to eat something, but can't.

At least I can express myself on here. So far I'm not happy with my decision. I pray for my sanity that these feelings change.