... sort of?

About 2 years ago I had what I and then ER people thought was a gallbladder attack. I had eaten terribly (chicken fajitas, the onions and peppers cooked in butter and oil =x on top of over eating) and started feeling sick. You know that, 'if I could only throw up I'd feel better' feeling. Well, I started throwing up and couldn't stop. So we went to the ER (which at the time was 20 miles away, before they finished building the one in my town, not that this is a necessary detail). They gave me morphine, IV fluids, contrast solution for a CT scan, and other exams. They told me my gallbladder looked "sludgy" and told me to have my PCP make me an ultra sound appointment. My PCP at the time (I have a different one now) said that a CT was more accurate than an ultra sound and wouldn't schedule me one. Fast forward to last week, Wednesday. The supposed GB attacks I had didn't last long (10/20 mins each), but we figured going to the ER couldn't hurt just in case, so we went. It was a surprisingly pleasant experience. The ER doc said it seemed like it's most likely my gallbladder. I told her that my old PCP wouldn't schedule me an ultra sound, so she scheduled me one for the next day. Since it's been a week since the ultra sound and I hadn't heard back from the dr, I called them this morning and my PCP called me with the results: my gallbladder is fine. My liver is huge. Over twice the size it should be. I can't remember what she said the size of a normal liver is, but I'm pretty sure she said mine is 21cm (I could be wrong, but I do remember then twice as big as it should be part).

I fought off a panic attack and losing it at work. I saved that for when I got home. My PCP ordered blood tests, that I got then done after work today (apparently 4th times a charm). I should get an email with the results by Monday (hopefully). Once the results are in, we'll go from there. If the tests don't show anything, a biopsy may be necessary. Today I also called the dietitian at Kaiser for pre-op meal plan advice. This feels like my 'scared straight' moment.

My PCP said I should eat healthy and exercise. That they are vitally important at this point. So maybe I'll dance around (and cry) a little before bed.

Being the person I am, I googled 'enlarged liver.' And because I'm such a medical expert (I am so not!), I'd like to think a few of the pages I've read apply to me. And if they don't, that's fine. It just gives me peace of mind. Like, I've been feeling this way, liver problems can make a person feel this way. Oh, ok, I'm not going crazy, there's a reason for the way I've been feeling... for example. Plus I don't drink. There's non-alcohol alcohol like liver disease. Most likely cause from being fat. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Still, knowing that is relieving, though.

Guess this means I can't get trashed on my birthday next month. Haha. Said the non drinker. When I do drink, if I do drink, it's an average of 4 times or less a year. Even if you double that in case I'm lying, I doubt that's enough for alcohol related liver problems. A fatty liver makes a whole lot more sense to me. I don't think people believe me when I say I could go the rest of my life without ever having another drink again. I just don't like drinking. Like how people don't believe me when I say that I don't watch tv. (which is different from watching shows I like on my computer.)

Either way, though, it puts a damper in my surgery plans. Surgery or no surgery, I have to lose weight. Period. In all seriousness, they won't operate if you've got a fatty liver. It could break in half and that could end very badly. I'm not terribly concerned right now since I'm still processing what having surgery really means. I just wouldn't want to be on the table, cut into, my time off work all arranged, and no surgery b/c of my liver. That would be incredibly frustrating. I wonder if they can test for that to avoid this scenario. Really, I just need to stfu and wait for the results.

I should go to the gym after work tomorrow.

Uh... wat?

4th times a charm?

When I was in the ER last week it took them 4 tries to get the IV in for blood tests and fluids. I still have a bruise on one failed spot. Apparently I have hard to get to veins. The first nurse couldn't find a vein to use, so they brought this other nurse in who stuck me 3 more times and did a super tight double wrap (makes you realize how hard it would really be to cut off your own arm; 127 hrs) and had to hit my hand pretty hard to get a vein to show. Today wasn't as bad, but the guy did try 4 spots before finding one, but at least he only stuck me once.

Cry?

It's like I can't handle happy. A couple hours ago when I was warming up my dinner I danced a little to a song I liked and I felt like crying because I was happy to be dancing to a song I like. Like the happy is too much to handle so tears come out. If that makes any sense.

I tend to over-explain things.

AND

Isn't it kinda fucked up that I can be having a panic attack and no one can tell? I'm so good at looking fine when I'm not. That just seems so wrong.

... sort of?

Like I said earlier, this was kind of like my come to Jesus moment. So even though this isn't necessarily good news, it's good that I now have a sense of urgency to take care of my health. Sooner rather than later.