I'm now 10 weeks out after surgery and as of my last weigh-in am 195.8 I've lost about 31 lbs. since surgery; a bit over 3 lbs. a week on average, although the average is very misleading since I lost so much weight the first couple weeks after surgery.

I have really been slacking lately and am in a funky place emotionally and in my head. I'm not eating as well as I could and not exercising at all. My weight loss has really slowed down the past couple of weeks; I'm not in a stall but this week I didn't even lose 1 lb. I have this weird weight loss entitlement feeling going on ... like I had surgery, so the pounds just should be falling off no matter what I put in my mouth or what I do with my body. I know this is a horrible attitude to have and I've got to work to change it.

I think it started a few weeks ago. A dear friend of mine has an aunt who had VSG a bit over a year ago, and she's lost over 90 lbs in a year, and according to my friend she never exercises and she doesn't particularly watch what she eats. When I heard that, I think I used that as an excuse to slack off ... like I will lose weight no matter what I do or don't do. I know, however, that this is the prime weight loss time -- right now -- and if I don't get at least to midway to goal soon I am going to have a really really tough time getting to goal.

The flip side to this devil may care attitude is the unspoken and very scary fear that maybe I will fail at this ... I've failed at every other attempt at weight loss I've tried for the past 15 years ... I don't know if I have confidence to succeed. Maybe subconsciously I think I deserve to be fat the rest of my life and am sabotaging myself. I clearly still have food and self esteem issues to work through!

OK, to switch to a more positive note, I had to go shopping today. My bras are all way too big now and aren't giving me decent support. I didn't even know what size the girls are now, so I went to Lane Bryant and got a fitting, and the lady told me I was a 40G. My last fitting before surgery I was a 44H (but only had one bra in that size; most of my bras were a 44DDD or a 46DDD, depending on whether my weight was in the 220s or in the 230s. I'm a little suspicious and disbelieving at the fitting, and unfortunately the store didn't have any bras in my size, so I couldn't try on the new size to see if it was right. I am going to order a couple of bras online and hope they fit OK.

In the mall near the Lane Bryant store is another plus size store, CJ Banks. I popped in there to see what they had and found several cute tops. I tried on a size 1X and 2X, and definitely the 2X tops were too big ... yay! So, I bought a couple of 1X tops. I am hopeful once I get a new bra I will look a little better too ... I am looking pretty saggy and pathetic in the chest area using the current bras. I still wear my old size 22 clothes a lot (I donated most of the summer clothes to Goodwill already) and they are definitely too big ... I veer between being highly annoyed at how loose everything is to realizing how cool it is that everything is so loose.

I hope my next post is going to say I am below 195 ... that will be cool. I am looking forward to being in the 180s -- I hope to get there sometime in April. Because once I am in the 180s, it's not too far to be back in the 170s, a place I am really really wanting to get to again.

Back in my late 20's, when I started gaining a lot of weight, I remember being in the 170s and being fairly worried about my weight, but not seeing myself as really huge. I could still squeeze into "normal size" clothes (albeit a tight size 14P). And I remember my health was really good -- normal blood pressure, normal blood tests, everything normal. Even though I was a good 40 lbs. over my lowest maintained weight, I still saw myself as plump rather than fat (actually, I was definitely obese at that weight, but didn't "feel" obese). And so a big part of me really, really wants to be in the 170s again, and sees that as a happy place ... like if only I can get there and stay there, and not gain weight, I will be totally fine. I am still not fully sold on the concept that I will ever actually get to my goal weight of 125. I have always had reservations about that number. According to the BMI charts, 125 lbs. puts me at the top of the normal range for my height. However, I haven't been that low since jr. high school! In my 20s, when I was very active and looked/felt my best, I was always in the low-mid 130s ... I wore a size 8P and felt good about that. I am deeply skeptical that I will ever get to the 130s, not to mention the 120s!

Well, I really am rambling on this post ... hope next week brings some good weight loss news!