Thought I shared with you all what I wrote on Facebook in early December 2010.

So I knew that I would have to write about this topic. I mean it was one of the topics that I put on a piece of paper and placed in the envelope. I just didn’t expect to pull it out first. While I could ramble on and on to avoid writing the first line. But I know my story is not the only one. I know it’s a secret that many people struggle with…alone… in the dark. Okay, I’m doing it. I am avoiding writing the first line. A line that will help me and so many others begin to heal…

I was molested when I was a child.

There I said it. I was molested for almost three years of my life by my mother best friend Kathy’s son Larry. I remember everything like it was yesterday. His smell. His voice. His touch. The shame and pain of it all. Now, as a mother of a daughter I can’t even imagine…

The Beginning

I was almost 7. Almost Seven years old when I was robbed of my innocence. We would spend quite a bit of time at Kathy’s house. My mama was a hard worker. It didn’t start out as one would think. Larry WAS nice. He helped us with our homework. He always let us hold his Game Boy. I mean he looked normal.

When it first started, I pretended to be sleep. Even as I type, I want to crawl into a hole and cry. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t try anything too far. He came into the room and fondled me for what seemed like an eternity. Then he gave me a sour apple grape Blow Pop. Till this day I hate grape anything.

I was confused. I didn’t know what was wrong or right. My mother had talk to me about strangers and all the terrible things strangers could do. But Larry wasn’t a stranger. He was my mom’s best friend son. He ate dinner with us. He knew my family. He was Larry.

The Middle

I will never forget the first night he actually penetrated me. I was 8. It was so quite in the house that night. Across the room slept Cierra (his sister and my then best friend). I thought if Ii pretended to sleep, he would stop and go away. The room was dark, but the streetlight outside gave it some glow. I squeezed my eyes closed and murmured “please.” He whispered to me, "if you move I will kill you." So I stayed very still. I didn’t cry. I didn’t move. I just laid there looking at the light coming through the window.

I can’t remember how long it lasted, but I still remember the door creaking open when he left and then sounds in the kitchen. I cried so quietly that night. I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I woke up he was asking me did I want some King Vitamin. Till this day I hate King Vitamin. When my mom came to get us, I wanted to tell her everything. “Hey Aunt Toni” he said when she came through the door. She hugged him. Laughed with Kathy and we left.

I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to die. Then the next weekend… almost every weekend…for more than a year it happened. I always wanted to say something. But I was confused. It’s not like he was mean to me. I mean he would buy me candy. He would tell me I’m pretty. And I just assumed that it was normal. He was normal.

It progressively got worst over the years. And not only would he threaten to kill me. He would threaten to kill my mommy and my brother. So I stayed quite.

The End

Over the course of the molestation, I gained A LOT of weight. In Larry and Chris (his brother [Chris NEVER touched me]) room was what seemed like hundreds of poster of skinny women wearing bikinis. I figured if I was fat, then he would not want me. Would not bother me. Would leave me alone. I ate and ate. I always laughed though. I learned at an early age that being funny was my talent. It was all I could do to make friends (at my size) and I learned no one asked questions when you smiled. I use to think why couldn’t anyone see through façade to my pain.

I don’t blame my mother at all. She was doing all she could do to support us. She trusted Kathy’s kids like her own. I never did tell her… she told me.

When I was in the 4th grade, Kathy died. And while I missed Kathy, I was so happy that we never had to go over there again. I just still didn’t have enough courage to tell her because he was not dead. One night my mom, C-lo, my brother, and myself was watching a movie called “I Know My First Name is Steven.” It’s about a boy who was kidnapped and molested all most of his life.

I cried and cried and cried almost the whole movie. I told my mom I was afraid that it would happen to my brother. I lied.

A couple of days later when I came home from school, my mom was sitting in the living room crying. C-lo (my “step” dad) was there. She told me she had a dream that afternoon and Kathy came to her in her dream and asked her to ask me “if Larry ever touched me.” I didn’t know what to say. The tears in her eyes showed so much pain. I shook my head yes and my mom grabbed me so tight that day. She sobbed and apologized for what seemed like hours.

I told her it wasn’t her fault, but I don’t think she ever forgave herself. She called my uncles and they came over. I told them the whole story. We all cried. Then called the police. When Kathy died, Rico and Cierra moved in with Larry. When the police went to arrest Larry, he wasn’t home. He never came home. We learned that he molested his sister Cierra too. She knew I was being molested. She would see him come into the room.

She apologized to me. But she said she was just happy when I came over because then he wouldn’t bother her. I wasn’t mad with her. I felt very said for her. Even though my situation was bad on the weekend, she lived with him every day.

I never saw Cierra after that day. Never heard the name Larry again.

The Beginning

Learning to love myself has not been an easy battle. My weight is something I still haven’t gotten under control. There are other periods in my life where I was sexually assaulted. So I think a piece of me wants to believe that the bigger I get the more I’ll fade into the background. I feel like staying 270 pounds will make me less of a target and safer. I know it sounds xrazy but you never see any FAT people as victims in SVU. I am trying to tell myself to stop thinking like that but its hard.

While this surgery will change my outter shell, but I have to learn to love the inner me. Slowly I am.

What have I learned? With my own daughter I will let her know no matter what she can come to me. Even though it was the lesson my told me, the fear was greater. And while I DO NOT blame her, I wish there was multiple points before Kathy’s death where she would have asked. I will teach Ja’Nya about ALL people and trust ALMOST no one and don;t use food as a coping mechanism.

Some Facts

I know I am not the only one out there who is dealing with a secret like this. Parents take the time to educate yourself and your children about uncomfortable topics like this. Here are some facts to help you understand this silent epidemic:

• One of the myths regarding child molesters is that they “look different” or behave differently from others in some way. Here are some statistics describing child molesters:
• 97% are male
• 91% are heterosexual
• 91% consider themselves to be religious
• 48% are college educated
• The molester is not a stranger. Over 91% of children are molested by someone they know.
• Almost 8% of African American men admit to molesting a child