... i am afraid of failing. i really truly am. i know i have done well, but the past 2 weeks have sucked so bad. last week i lost less than 2 pounds, i know that the loss will slow down as i progress in my journey, but it's just been not good.

in fact, i gained 3/4 pound today. :cry i am trying to do the right thing. i am eating "OK" (yes, it could be better) and working my ass off at the gym, but i am still having heartrate problems - i cant seem to get it high enough. i top out about 140 and that is me really pusing myself. it is like my heart is in better shape than my body. which is somewhat of a good thing, but damn i wish i could get my HR up to the 150s for awhile. REALLY burn those calories. today during my training session, i burned less than 200 cals in 20 minutes. that is nothing ... i can burn 200 cals in about 12 mins on the treadmill.

i fear that my body is saying "OK, you're done, you've lost 63ish pounds and you will not lose any more"... i realize this isnt even a plateau but when you work SO hard and do not have the results on the scale it is just very discouraging.

during our training session today, Kari told me to start eating the carbs ... she is afraid my body is in 'starvation mode'. the past few days - low cals was 822, high cals was 1268. exercise cals low was 471, high was 1531 cals burned. average is about 995 a day. she told me to eat - she even said have a "small muffin" ... granted she also said lots of fruits / veggies, but she told me to have a muffin!!! i cant eat a muffin, i just mentally cannot do it. i used to have 2 bottles (2 "servings" each) and sometimes 2 muffins for breakfast, i cannot afford to go into that habit again.

everyone says that people who have WLS replace one bad behaviour (eating) with another. i am honestly starting to think that my behavior is obsessing about my weight/weighing myself (and working out, but they are tied together).

it doesnt help my mood that i had a huge "meeting" today and i dont think i was very successful. i will find out by Friday. i just want to cry right now. DH is somewhat ambivalent about it saying i did all i could and there is nothing i can do about it now ... well no shit sherlock, cant i just wish things were better? a little support here would be great thank you very much!

ok ... enough of my book. i need to go to bed so i can work out tomorrow.

for the next 2 weeks i resolve the following:

- i will not weigh myself except on weigh-in Mondays

- i will get my liquids in

- i will continue to log my foods on myfooddiary.com

- i will consume more calories by making mostly healthy choices - i refuse to deprive myself