My big fat brain is starting to mess with me. For some reason the closer this date gets the more nervous I have become.

I have a beautiful and intelligent daughter who is almost 6 and starts Kindergarten next Monday. Only 3 days before my surgery. She comes looking for me if I am in the bathroom a bit longer than she thinks I should have been, just to check on me and walks away. She has a very sweet and pure heart.

Then I have a beautiful yummy rolly 19 month old girl with eyes bigger and bluer than any sky you have ever seen. No matter if it's when I pick her up in the morning from her crib to feed her breakfast or just running to the grocery store down the street after only 4 minutes in the car, she has a giant smile on her face with little white popcorn looking teeth. Sometimes she can't handle it inside of herself and must squeel in order to contain herself.

I know tomorrow is never guaranteed. My 6 year old will have fague memories of me holding her close and rubbing her belly, giving her "baby messages" after a bath, sharing my Lavender night scents speficically for her.

However my baby would have very itt memories of ME. People can tell someone that another person loved them but I dont want resentment toward either of my babies. I don't want one mad at the other because she got more time with me.

I know being on liquids for so long is not a good idea and that my banded days are coming to an end but I am down right terrified of Anesthesia. I have Epilepsy and with both you know you will lose consciousness but never know when. Then you wake up not sure who or what is going on around you. I'm always looking for my kids are scared someone is trying to hurt me or even worse my kids. I've warned those with the magic juice that knock me out then they just stand there acting shocked when I try to get a good right hook in.

I have 5 days until my clear liquid diet on Wednesday. 5 Days to fight the urge to cancel or reschedule. So we can see. I guess I have until they put the magic shot of juice in right? :huh0: