[3/11/10]

Vanishing Vixen.

Vanishing…

An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker… as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already…as if I plan to “vanish” into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I’m so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the “big”) that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.

*really ruminating & marinating on the implications*

I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous (most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I’m a MAC Make-up artist, or I’m rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels…what woman wouldn’t want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* ) Go figure. But… $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous…I just haven’t been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*

It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I’m in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.

Why is that?

The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less.

I’m a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new “MeMe” (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I’m ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it – let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game – in more ways than one. So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few “ah ha!” moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*

IDK…

Is it even really that serious? *lol*

I’m hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can’t get out of my own head. But that doesn’t make me crazy…it makes me human. And blogging it…helps me *relax.relate.release* it all.

I’m not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is…and I am who I am. And what I’ve realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally “seem” to have their $h!t together…don’t. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me. But nobody did [ask]… Oh well!

I’m keeping on…keeping on…